In Lieu of Wooing Beardy

I'd say I underestimated the loneliness, but that would be a lie. I knew how hard it would be to adjust to such a drastically downsized social circle when I got here, but expecting it and experiencing it are two different things entirely. I love Lehi. I love the weather here. I love the small town feel, with all the amenities still so close at hand. I love the trees; they're even beautiful in the winter. I love being so close to my family. I love having somewhere to call home that doesn't reek of paint and cigarette smoke. I love that Grandma's gorgeous Pramberger baby grand is just a staircase away. I love that I can curl up tight, or sprawl out sideways on the queen sized bed and still not have to worry about falling off. I love that I have a comfy rocker next to the fireplace to settle in and warm up with a magazine on cold nights. I love that I love this place. I love that I made the decision to come here of my own free will and then made it happen. Because I wouldn't love it if I didn't. But I did, and I do. So this feeling so lonely all the time thing that keeps tugging at the hem of my shirt should be easier to banish, shouldn't it?.. I suppose the most frustrating part is knowing that I should be perfectly content, and then some, with all the wonderful blessings I know I've recieved that have got me this far. I shouldn't want more. I shouldn't need more. But still there's that tugging. The not wanting to go home and be alone after any given outing. The not wanting to sit on the couch, or walk on the treadmill and watch another movie by myself. There's the wanting to have somewhere else to go, someone else to see, something else to look forward to.
In the past, I've had boyfriends. Now, that tug is not necessarily the same one I've been experiencing as of late, but it has given me something of a common denominator to life in the past. Something to put markers in the passing of time. Something to fill in the cracks. Something to smile about. (Not that I don't already have plenty to smile about, it's just different.) Weekends were not something to stress about because even if I didn't have plans, I knew I had plans. I know full well that having a boyfriend now is not the 'fix' I'm looking for, but perhaps it would be nice to just have a date? With all the friends and acquaintances (my age, no less) who are already either married, or bejeweled on a particular hand, one date should not be such a difficult request! I'm actually really supposed to make that happen sometime in the near future so that I can double with my good friend and my step-brother, whom, after meeting on my birthday, have both expressed their interest in each other to me. Good things. However, upon looking repeatedly through my phone book, I've discovered that while I surely would have been able to find a date, as well as several backups were I still located in Mesa, all of the boys I know on this side of the state line are either on their missions, or living in a different city. Mostly the mission thing. What's a girl to do to get a date in this town!
Which leads me to... Beardy. Haha:) SO. On Sunday I went to my new singles ward for the first time. Without a doubt it was a black and white experience when compared to the last singles ward I attended. Within minutes of sitting down for sacrament meeting, I was greeted and introduced to a few of the regular girls. After the first meeting, the bishopric also introduced themselves and welcomed me. I was acknowledged in Relief Society. And I hadn't left the building before several of the members of the ward encouraged me to come participate in the upcoming ward and stake activities. Talk about Heavenly Father knowing just where to put you and what you need! I'm mildly hopeful that this whole 'date' fiasco will tie into my new friendly ward somehow too.
Of course I did my initial sizing up of the potential when I came in, and let me tell you, there is a gold mine of young single attractive members in this city. While a fair few young men caught my eye, one in particular kept me looking. Due to his dapper sense of style, and the wealth of done-just-right facial hair on that handsome, debonair face of his, he will henceforth be referred to as: Beardy. Ohh, Beardy.. I noticed that he saw me in the congregation as well, and even looked back at my row a few times before the meeting began. I, of course, slyly and quite mysteriously ignored him to create more of an intrigue he'd be sure to want to figure out. Oh yes, I'm very good at what I do. Ha! Then after the block was over there he was leaning against a table in the hallway right outside of the class I happened to be in. Now, I know this was certainly mere coincidence; I'm not so deluded to think that he would seek me out on purpose, however, it was terribly convenient. *evil laug--* Ehem! So anyway, I just collected my things and coolly walked right past him, glancing over to make eye contact only for a very brief moment before continuing down the hall to the door, all the while smirking to myself and feeling his gaze on my back. And that was that! Who knows what kind of person he actually is, or if I'll ever even have a real conversation with him, but goodness me is he cute. I've recited this story to a few close friends, and they're all very adamant about the fact that I should just suck it up and ask him out, but how on earth can I do that before I make him think I don't want to! It would render my strategy to make him fall in love with me completely useless. Hahaha:) So I suppose for now I'll just have those few outings on my social calendar, and that sweet lovin' Pramberger to be my boyfriend. Going out with Beardy will have to wait, and my sense of humor will keep me sane until then. I'm feeling better already. :)

In the Style of Shakespeare

So last night, Lucas called me and asked if I could help him with a particular assignment. He's taking Mrs. Bingham's Creative Writing Class at Lehi, which was by far my favorite class probably throughout all of grade school when I took it during my last semester there. I just loved the curriculum, I loved the way Mrs. Bingham taught, and I loved having the excuse of an assignment to actually sit down and write, which I sometimes put off if I didn't have to, but still enjoyed immensely whenever I did. The assignment was to write a poem in the style of a sonnet. (He was asked to write a fourteen line poem, but not necessarily to stick 100% to the rhyme scheme/iambic pentameter that is usually found in sonnets.) The poem was supposed to be about someone he loved, and to have a turn at the end, in sonnet style. Lucas said that he would like to write the poem about me (what a sweet little brother) and told me that if I came into his class so that he could read it to me, he would get a lot of extra credit points. Ha:) Of course I agreed. He came over a little later and we began to construct what we've decided to entitle, "Lucas's Love Poem" together. I know he didn't have to be limited by the traditional sonnet setup, but I thout it would be neat if we tried to make it work anyway. We had a lot of fun laughing and listing and brainstorming and rewriting some goofy stuff before we settled on a final product. In my defense, Lucas came up with most of it, and I just helped him organize his thoughts, so I'm not really this conceited, but it was a cute idea. Voila! Lucas's Love Poem. :)

There is a girl so confident and bright,
Demure at times, though wily still inside.
She brightens up the room like mornings light;
Audacious to a fault, but short of pride.

Her eyes are blue as azure summer skies,
Her hair like fire, falling past her cheeks.
It seems no foul mood can be her demise.
She spouts off humor every time she speaks.

No doubt all men would deem her quite a catch;
She turns their heads at any distant sight.
She'll make one lucky man a splendid match;
He'll say she was well worth the gallant fight.

Yet I'm immune to all that here depicts her.
And how can I resist? Well, she's my sister.

A New Leaf

For a while now, and especially during the time I moved out to Mesa a few years ago, I haven't been the most vigilant when it came to my health and eating habits. I tend to go through these little surges of health kicks where I'll refuse any fast food, faithfully work out to my Denise Austin "Shrink Your Female Fat Zones" DVD, and perhaps for a time halt the very slow, very gradual expansion of my waistline. I know I always do feel much better physically and psychologically when I'm doing this, however, I'll go on for several months, and after seeing what seems like absolutely no change in my appearance, I'll get discouraged and fall off the wagon. (This picture always makes me laugh a little bit. And I do love me some hard boiled eggs!)
While I feel that my eating habits have never really been dismal (I'd drink soda only when it was offered to me, eat fast food only when I had to, and didn't spend much money at all on nutrition-void snack cakes, etc.), my portion sizes were victim to a pretty severe oversight. Also, I'm a HUGE pasta and dairy lover. My switch to skim milk several years ago made me feel a little bit better about that, but still, the carb and fat levels in those two types of foods were really not helping my physique to say the least.

BUT. This year marks a new start. I know it's a bit cliche, and thousands of people set fitness goals at the start of every new year and then quit a few months in, but I'm really serious about it. I've reached a point in my life now when I can no longer deny that my weight and overall fitness are not just problems for my physical appeal and self esteem. I've got to make a change NOW if I want to make sure I don't put myself in real mortal danger in the coming years of my life. I know that in order for me to really make a difference I need to set goals and form habits that will continue on long after the initial excitement fades. I've acquired a treadmill from my dear friend Meagan, and an iPod as well with the help of another dear friend, Dallon. The first nullifies the excuses of bad weather, or public appearance to keep me from walking on a regular basis (This is habit #1 being put into place). The second, while providing a wonderfully convenient way to take my music with me wherever I need to while exercising, also has an awesome application on it that when used properly will keep track of all the calories and nutrients I ingest, applying them to a personally calculated weight loss plan. I love it. Whenever I eat anything, or exercise, I plug it in to the "Lose It!" program, and that way I can keep very close watch on what, and how much I'm eating. So far with the goals and information I've entered, I'm doing very well with sticking to the 1,700 (+/-) calorie limit, and minimum of half an hour of deliberate exercise every day. Another cool gadget I've invested in to help me stick to and reach my goals is a bathroom scale that measures not only my overall weight, but also the weight of my bones, BMI, water percentage, and body fat percentage. Every time I step up it tells me what difference I've made in these things since the last time it was measured. And we all know that having that in your face on a daily basis is a great way to not forget about the fact that when you eat food, it actually goes inside of your body and changes it. For better or for worse. I've switched to ONLY whole wheat pasta. (which I actually really don't love the texture of, so I'm eating less pasta anyway. Good choice all around.) I'm adding much more fruit and veggies to my diet, and any dairy I eat has to be very low fat, or fat free if possible.

As of right now, I'm feeling very good about the changes I'm making, and hope to add even more routine health-saving habits that will compell me to reach my goals without so much drama and stop and go. This isn't a diet. It isn't a phase. This is a life change that I plan on holding on to for a very long time. Wish me luck. :)

Watering the Grass

WELL. Life certainly does have its way of sneaking up on you, tapping you on the shoulder and giggling, and then running off in front of you leaving you dashing and grasping after it, wondering when it got to be so nimble and tricky that you had to work so hard to keep up.

This past year for Christmas, I left the comfort of a tightly knit social circle and seventy-five degrees of Mesa, Arizona winter for the chilly postcard town of Lehi, Utah. Home. No matter how lonesome I get, or how many snowy days of yeah-you-actually-live-here-now...-how-on-earth-did-that-happen? realizations, there's no denying that Lehi is where my heart is. Now to just figure out how to create some semblance of a functioning, adequately filled and varied life for myself. I'm already all moved in to my new house, which is attached to the unequivocally wonderful Marilyn Nielsen's beautiful home, and have created a downsized version of a schedule for now. Full time work doesn't start until the 18th. I haven't yet attended the ward I'm now in. And I am not in high school. What's a girl to do to get some social interaction? Here's to hoping that this new singles ward can begin to measure up to my last one, as I have a feeling that a large portion of any new acquaintances and connections will be coming through my involvement in it. But. I have faith. And my trust is wholeheartedly put in the hands of my loving Heavenly Father. Yes, this is the place I tried so desperately to escape before, but now I'm here willingly. And by goodness, I'm going to make it work. After all, I knew that the grass really wouldn't be any greener on this side. But it'll plump up with this here water I brought. ;)

There is a voice inside of you

That whispers all day long,

"I feel that this is right for me,

I know that this is wrong."

No teacher, preacher, parent, friend,
Or wise man can decide

What's right for you- Just listen to

The voice that speaks inside.

-Shel Silverstein