Would You Please?

I hesitate to say I was bait for you
Could that be something that you all would do?
I'd be lying if I did now say I wasn't intrigued
But timing is everything here
And for the moment the 'we' is reprieved
But, as I watch the girl unfold before my eyes,
I discover that I like her

Would you please get our from under my skin
'Cause I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
And you should go

I'm in the dance, and it's a chance,
But stay and watch awhile
I'll be singing a tune just for you with a smile
And maybe, if I'm lucky
You'll tip your hat to me, and you'll discover
That you like her

Would you please get our from under my skin
For I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
And you should go

Crazy as it all plays out
I think I'm lonelier than I've ever been before
'Cause I was so close
To going through that door
But I don't want to be to blame for them
I don't want to be to blame

Would you please get our from under my skin
'Cause I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
And you should go, go, go
Oh, would you please get out
I'm not as strong as I seem, but I won't let you know




-Rachael Yamagata

CRAP

:|

Apple Juice, And an Adventure

Today has been a happy one, a mostly normal one, and also, an adventure.
A few days a week I get to load up my car with two handsome men and drive to the elementary school where Eli has preschool. Today was one of those days, and let me tell you, that in and of itself is an adventure. We have to make sure lunch is eaten and cleaned up in time, then E. gets slathered in sunscreen, backpack checked for stowaways and strapped on, sippy cup filled, socks and shoes on, one last stop in the bathroom, and then into the car seats with both the boys so we can be on our way. All systems were go and we were even a few minutes early, when all of a sudden my car started to sputter and then died. Yep. For only the second time in my life, I had run out of gas. (Ironically, the first time I had two other great kiddos in the back. Coincidence? Bad luck? Why??) Luckily there was a nice stretch of gravel that I was able to pull over into on the side of the road, and after putting on my hazards and taking a deep breath I got out of the car and proceeded to unstrap the little men. After all, we were literally yards from the preschool, and even though it would still take us several minutes to walk there I decided it was best if Eli got to school and then I could figure out the car situation later. A few things to note: I brought along two big gallons of apple juice to deliver to Eli's class, and yes folks, it's still 104 degrees outside. Just so you get a better picture of this in your head. So here I am, the baby on one hip with my wallet and keys wedged between us, two jugs of apple juice in my other hand, and little Eli with his sippy cup and backpack next to me, preparing to cross the street so that we can get to school on time. I'm sure we were quite a sight to the cars driving by. We had been standing there at the side of the road for probably less than a minute and I was waiting for one last truck to pass us so that we could cross, but in stead it pulled over behind me. Alright, I thought, that works too. So I walked back over to the other side of the car so that I could tell whomever these nice people were that I had run out of gas, and we were just going to walk to the school since it was so close. Out of the truck came two guys who looked to be in their early to mid twenties who were on their way to a job site when they saw me and the boys and decided to stop and lend a hand. I said a silent prayer asking Heavenly Father to help me know if the boys and I were going to be safe, and if we should accept a ride from these guys. Even though I was extremely nervous to have Eli strapped in without a car seat, and Brax just riding on my lap, it seemed as if this was our best option, and I did feel the reassurance of the Spirit telling me we would be okay. We first stopped at Eli's school so that he could be on time and we could get rid of the apple juice. While we were waiting for the teachers to unlock the gate, Eli pointed out their church building just across the street. "Look that's my church!" he said. The young man we were with saw that it was an LDS church building and said to me, "I'm LDS too. What ward are you guys in?" I told him that I was just the silly nanny who ran out of gas and that I went to a different singles ward, but the boys went with their family to the ward here. I had a feeling before that we were in good hands, but I felt even better knowing that these men were also members of the church.
After Eli went in to his class, we proceeded to drive to our friendly strangers parents home where he said he knew they had a gas can we could use. The house was literally only two minutes away from us so it was a quick ride. On our way to what I thought would be a gas station so that I could pay to fill up the gas can we stopped back at my car, and I realized when the man lifted it up that it was already full. The guys quickly poured the gas into my car and we were back in business. I told them I hadn't realized they already had the can filled up, and asked if there was anything at all I could do for them, but they said that they didn't need anything and that they were happy to help. I thanked them profusely and then we got back in the car to head home. (Well, to a gas station first to fill up the rest of the way, then home.) I was overwhelmed as we drove away by my gratitude for such a huge blessing. These people stopped to help us mere minutes after I had run out of gas, and just as quickly as they came they were gone. Somehow they already had a filled gas can to use, and their home was just down the road for them to get it. I absolutely believe in miracles, and I believe that this was one of them. I cannot even express in words my love and gratitude to my Father in Heaven for his watchful eye over me and the boys today. Angels are among us, and I got my very own visit. :)

Did You Know...

...That my beautiful mother used to be a freelance seamstress? She made many of our outfits when we were kiddos, and even created a wedding dress or two, not to mention the prom and formal dresses over the years that her daughters have been spoiled with. What a talented lady she is, and how grateful am I to be her daughter and to have inherited her creativity. Today, I long to sew.. I love you, Mom.

I'm a Bird

I'm a bird. I learned to fly very young because I had to and I've been flying ever since. It doesn't take a lot to make me happy, just good food, good friends, and good chirps (laughs). My home is simple, but worth the fiercest protecting because it is my home. I spend my days singing along to anything I can hear, and if I don't know the words I whistle. Sometimes I find that I've flown further from home than I intended to. I may be lost for a while, but somehow I can always find my way back again. If I land on something that pricks, I hop up and keep moving. If I eat something that disagrees with me, I buck up and get through it and then remember not to eat it again. I take care to stay preened and groomed. I value cleanliness, and love a good bath. I'm attracted to all things sparkly, and while I often can't obtain them, I still find happiness in the looking. I was lovingly raised by a mother who sacrificed what she had to give me a good chance at life, and one who now knows that because of it I'm strong enough to make it on my own (Though I still sometimes return to the nest for the pleasure of her company and assistance). I am not a particularly high maintenance creature because I do the maintaining myself, but of course I won't pass up the sweet gesture of a handful of crumbs thrown my way. I can sometimes be a gossip, though without malice. I like to wake up to the sun, and start my day with a song. I am loyal to a fault to those I care for and will defend my family against any foe. I'll stop moving for a while when it rains, but only so that I can soak in the peace and the taste of it in the air. I am uncomfortable to be on the ground where I can't see all that's going on around me. I don't like to be taken by surprise, and I'll react quickly when I'm startled. I'm happiest when the spring blooms cover the soft earth and I can feel the suns rays reflecting back up at me in technicolor. I have a small window of comfort when it comes to the temperature. Too hot and I'll lose my wits. Too cold and I'll just want to sleep. When the time comes that I choose a partner, I'll fiercely and affectionately stay by his side and expect nothing less of him. Always. I'll be pleasantly, simply, me all of my life. And then when my time on this earth is done, I'll quietly slip away and find some other bright corner of the universe to whistle about.

Happiness

I am happy the first time of the year that I can see my breath.
I am happy when I get to have Sunday dinner at the Lawlor's.
I am happy to have extraordinary sisters, whom I love.
I am happy with my body.
I am happy to work with such great little boys, and their great parents.
I am happy when the numbers on the scale haven't gone up.
I am happy in Lehi, UT.
I am happy when the cottonwood trees rain down little white fluffs in the Summer.
I am happy to have such a great car.
I am happy to have been blessed with so many fun talents.
I am happy when it rains.
I am happy when it snows real slow.
I am happy in my Singles ward.
I am happy that I can be me and still feel beautiful.
I am happy to have such good friends.
I am happy with my choices.
I am happy to have so much potential before me.
I am happy when I get to have freshly manicured nails and colored hair.
I am happy with my Chuck.
I am happy that my hair will grow back.
I am happy that I met Meagan Berry.
I am happy they invented Midol.
I am happy to be healthy.
I am happy for adventures, like the moose one.
I am happy for memories of my Daddy.
I am happy to have had a simple, fun childhood.
I am happy when I cook with Kira.
I am happy when I play the piano.
I am happy on clear skin days.
I am happy that Ross and Rachel finally got together.
I am happy that Jessica finished hair school like I didn't, and she can do awesome things to my hair now.
I am happy playing Scrabble with Neil.
I am happy that my bedroom turned out so well.
I am happy after a really good workout.
I am happy that I was so successful with my New Years weight loss resolution.
I am happy to have loved and lost.
I am happy to be artistic.
I am happy my family is mine.
I am happy when I choose happiness.

What makes you happy?

Fireworks

You know how some people talk about love, and finding the person you're supposed to be with, and how it should feel like such a punch-in-the-gut magical unmistakable thing? They say "You'll see fireworks!" But really? What does that mean? Think about it. Fireworks are great. They're colorful and vibrant and sparkling explosions of entertainment and often nostalgia. That little pop and fizz when they shoot out of the ground, and then the big BOOM! that shakes you to your core and makes you have to catch your breath. That's my favorite part. But then, after the big bang, all the bright little glowing sparks fall to the ground and fade and die out and all that's left of the magic is the shadow of an outline in the sky. The smoke may be lit up again for a brief moment when another firework goes off, but eventually the wind blows even those remnants away and by morning there's no reminder at all.Why on earth would anyone want to tie these two things together? Love should be much much more than this. Love should be tangible. Physical. You should be able to hold it in your hand. You should be able to see it with your eyes. You should be able to just look at it and know that it is love. It is. Love. If only it were that easy....

I think that my problem is this: I hear that pop and the fizz as the promise of love rises into the sky. I anticipate the wonder I know is coming, that telltale boom I'll feel deep inside my chest. And then I expect it to last forever. I expect it to be magic and to stay magic, and I forget that I can't rely on the fickle fireworks. I forget that just because there's a shower of glowing color and light, it doesn't mean that it's real. It doesn't mean it will last. It doesn't mean it's love. Lately I've begun to question my ability to even interpret my own feelings. I don't trust myself to know myself. I don't trust myself to not get carried away and build up my expectations for something that always just ends up fading and blowing away in the night breeze. I'm like the girl who cried wolf, except I'm the girl who cried love. I've been so sure so many times, and have been so wrong that even I can't take myself seriously any more. I certainly don't expect anyone else to take me seriously. I understand that this may be how it's supposed to work. We're supposed to fall in and out of love. We're supposed to take chances and make mistakes, and eventually, if we're paying attention, we'll take a chance that actually pans out. And everything we experience before it will have served to make us all that much more sure that we've really done it right this time. We will be stronger knowing that we've been wrong in the past, so the future can just be right.

Well right now, I'm just wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong. So here's to being wrong. Here's to falling, and crashing hard. Here's to not knowing what I want, and if I'd even recognize it if I found it. Here's to keeping my mouth shut for once. Here's to fireworks....

Iwanttogohome.