So. Now that we've established how great I've got it, by some miracle, here comes the kicker. This family that I'm working for has family living in Mesa, Arizona. The school that Jason, the husband, is attending is also based in Mesa, but he has been taking his lectures online, and then flying down to Mesa for finals and to check in about once a month. The reason they have been living so comfortably here in Lehi is that Sarah, the wife has been working as an accountant for a company in Salt Lake City. She's worked very hard and attained a position in the company with many responsibilities and benefits. However, her company has become aware of the fact that they have been looking to buy a house in another neighborhood in the Utah Valley. The company very kindly suggested that she request a transfer to their Arizona location. Of course this is a great idea for this family. It makes sense on a lot of levels, and is obviously the best option for them at this time. When I came back from Spring Break at the beginning of this week I was informed that they had in fact decided to make that move. I was also told that the hardest part of this decision for them was thinking of a way that they could convince me to come with them and continue working as their nanny in Mesa. Wow. So now I'm faced with a real dilemma. The circumstances of me doing this would be as follows: I would drive down to Arizona in my car and stay with them in their new home for the remainder of this school year (because when Jason is out of school for the summer, he will take care of the kids himself), then I would come back home to Lehi. When school starts up again in August, I would drive back down to Mesa and stay with them again, (or figure out a different living situation if I was uncomfortable staying in their home) and continue working for the duration of the school year, coming home to Lehi during breaks, just like someone would do if they were to attend an out of state school. My hangups with this option would be not knowing if my finances would last over the summer, and also feeling so unsettled in my living situation. I've had trouble with this in the past, where I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I 'belonged' in Mesa for so long that when we moved here I felt like I was in limbo; no home in Mesa, and Lehi wasn't home yet either. But now I feel that I really have established a home for myself here, and have come to love it so much that although I have great friends in Mesa, I really feel that I am so much happier and more fulfilled in Lehi. If I decide to accept Sarah and Jason's offer to continue working for them (which they coupled up with a raise as well, to entice me to accept) I would once again be split between two worlds. I know that I could make it work if I had to, but the real question for me is, is it worth it? I dread the idea of having to find a new job, and then the idea that it might not be nearly as good as my work with Sarah and Jason. I also hate the idea of not getting to work with those great little boys anymore too. I feel so lucky to have found this job in the first place, and now I've got to decide if it's really good enough for me to sacrifice what I would need to in order for it to work out in Mesa.
Obviously, if I decided that I really just couldn't handle being split between my two 'homes' and needed to stay here in Lehi more permanently, I would have to find another job and begin working this summer. I know how frightening and unsettling it is to not know where my income is going to come from, and having to weed through countless job options that may or may not be sufficient for my needs. It's something I've gone through before, and it only makes having a great job and not having to worry about that even sweeter. Incidentally, I've also reached the point at this time when my school loans are kicking in. My grace period has ended, and I now have two more bills to add to my monthly list. So it is very important that I do have a reliable income.
I wish I had a better conclusion for this post, but as of right now I'm still right in the middle of this war in my head. It seems like I change my mind every five minutes. Whenever I am at work, I think there's no way I could leave those boys and have to go through a crazy stressful job hunt once again, but when I'm not, I end up rationalizing and convincing myself that I should just let it be okay to move on to the next thing and trust that it will still be an acceptable situation. One main argument I've been using with myself is that I know this job won't last forever. Eventually when Jason finishes school and his internship, he will start working, and Sarah will be able to stay home with the boys, which is their ultimate goal. With this in mind, I think, if I know I'll have to stop working for them eventually, why drag it out? But on the flip side, once again, I know this job won't last forever. I'll have maybe four years tops that I'll need to go back and forth, and then I'll just move on to the next thing here in Utah. I won't be stuck in an endless limbo, just four years max, and even then, both places will have their perks. I lived in Mesa for ten years already, it's not like it's someplace new entirely. I have good friends in Mesa. I wouldn't be lonely.
Goodness. I could talk myself in circles about this for hours. I suppose I really just need to keep praying for guidance, like I have been so frequently, and trust that when the time comes that I need to make an absolute decision, I will. And it will be okay. And life will go on, and I will be happy:) Because I sure have so much to be happy about.
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