Someone Worth Finding

I usually try to stay away from talking about love, or crushes, or marriage, or any such related topics on this blog. Not at all because I don't think about those things, but because I'm afraid that if I get started, I won't stop, and that's not what I want the theme of this particular blog to be. I'm one of those girls who grew up enacting play-weddings with her siblings, collecting pictures of weddings from magazines, listing and re-listing and describing in relative detail the qualities she'd prefer in her "perfect" match. One of those girls who dreams about her future spouse, wedding, and children. It's something I think I just came pre-wired with, and regardless of how many excuses I make for myself to seem a little less crazy, that's just the girl I am. I want love. I want a family. More than anything on this earth. And over the years I think I've gone through several different phases of thinking when it comes to my opinion on how I'll find that love, and start that family. Sometimes I knew I was just being silly, and other times I thought for sure I was right, only to decide a few months, or years down the line that I had in fact progressed just a little bit further from what I had decided was a mature way of thinking into something even a little more realistic. My reluctance to write on this subject publicly is tied to that knowledge about myself. I change my mind. I learn. I grow. And when I reflect back on how I used to think about certain things, I think to myself, thank goodness I didn't share that with anyone else. It sounds so silly now! But for some reason I can't shake the desire to mull through my mind today and in my currently unattached state sort out the newest version of my view on love.

My sister Kira and I have begun a project. We're planning my wedding. My wedding that at some point in my future, (be it relatively near, or very very far) will occur. [I know this seems very silly and possibly jouvenile, but there is a method to my madness, I assure you.] Kira was recently married to my completely awesome now Brother-in-Law Gabe. She's always had an uncanny knack for planning (It must run in the family.) and she was essentially her very own wedding planner. We've been organizing mock wedding plans for years, and she's become quite good at knowing just how to do each little thing even if we don't actually execute any of it. (By, she's become quite good, I really mean, it's ridiculous how meticulous and awesome she is at planning weddings for someone who doesn't get paid to do it. She's like Jane on "27 Dresses". Kind of. Haha) Ordinarily I wouldn't be so into planning a wedding without the excitement of, um, a fiancée, but a thought occurred to me. When I do meet the person I want to marry and who also wants to marry me (Kicker. :P), the thought of a very very long engagement is not particularly appealing to me. Relatively long courtship, yes. But once that ring is on my finger, let's get the show on the road. The thought of a shoddy, quickly thrown together wedding reception is also not very appealing. Catch 22. (I wander when I write and am probably the queen of disclaimers and tangents, but the solution will be forthcoming, I promise.) Now, I know I'm beginning to come off as a little diva-ish, wanting everything my way, but I'm a very special kind of diva. I don't expect anyone else to give me what I want just how I want it. Oh no. I'm the kind of diva who enjoys nothing more than taking an obstacle and devising and executing a plan to overcome that obstacle. Why would I selfishly ask someone else to do the work that I'm fully capable of doing myself? And so we've come full circle to the solution to that catch 22. If I begin planning my wedding now, despite the fact that I am currently not even dating anyone, when the time comes that I am ready to start making a wedding happen, I will already have the bones of a plan, and a really good grip on what I'll need to do in order for the plan to become a reality. Obviously there are a lot of big unknowns when it comes to things like this that really can't be pinned down until there is a groom involved. I'll want his opinion and input on everything, and there is also the matter of finances at the time of engagement and thereafter which will largely determine the amount of the plan that will come to fruition.

Just to clarify, we're talking about the planning of a wedding reception here, as well as the logistics of the day I will be sealed to my husband in the temple. Things like attending to out-of-towners, wedding showers, wedding party luncheon, etc. I know that the most important thing is that I do indeed marry my husband for eternity in the temple, and that the party we get to have afterward is just that- a party. If funds are scarce, I won't mind a small party. And there are a lot of possibles on the master wedding plan list that really are optional. That's one of those can't-know-til-it's-actually-happening things. But the main idea here is simply to be prepared. I'm a HUGE advocate for planning and preparedness. That way I won't turn into bridezilla trying to pull off a tasteful winter wedding when I only just became engaged on Thanksgiving. (Hypothetical situation. Obviously.)

Alright. So now that I've got the imaginary wedding out of the way, I think I'd like to write about the marriage part. The people part. The part that matters. I have a quote hanging in my house next to a picture of the Salt Lake Temple that reads:

"I would admonish you to maintain an eternal perspective. Make certain that the marriage in your future is a temple marriage. There is no scene so sweet, no time so sacred as that very special day of your marriage. Then and there you glimpse celestial joy..."  --Thomas S. Monson

 And that, folks, is what it's about. Celestial joy. While I am in my early years I'll prepare most carefully so I can marry in God's temple for eternity. These are not just the words to a song we learn in Primary. It's for real. Life is happening, and the time to prepare is now. I've decided (DUH) that 'finding' my husband has absolutely nothing to do with finding him. He's not lost for goodness sake. It's about being someone worth finding. How wonderful to discover that this small, obvious realization would make life so much easier! I should have been smart a long time ago. Although, I suppose it really wouldn't have mattered since I'm really just getting started into all this business of I-could-get-a-guy-and-marry-him-anytime-now-and-that-would-be-okay. I have begun to think about this twenty-something-single part of my life as a chapter all on it's own. It's not just the italicized introduction to another chapter. I have also decided that I want it to be a really good chapter, and the only person who is in charge of that is me! So in stead of putting my focus on dating, and assessing, and analyzing, and crossing off the checklist, I'm putting my focus on his checklist for me. That sounds off... I guess what I'm saying is that I've stopped looking other places and started looking inside myself. I know I'm young, and I'm in absolutely no rush to get married. That's not to say that I don't think I'd be ready for it if it happened. Because I know that I would be. I would step up. I've always been that way. Rising to each challenge. But I'm not right now, and that's great. I'm in no rush, and that means I can take my time taking chances and making mistakes and figuring out what makes me happy all by myself. Just ME. If I become ME before I'm found, how much greater of a find will I be?? How much happier and safer will I feel if I can come into a relationship saying, this is who I am, and this is what I want, and if who you are and what you want can hold hands with that and keep smiling, then let's do this! In stead of, I think who you are and what you want is wonderful, so let's see if when I figure myself out somewhere along the line, we'll still jive with each other. Scary. Unpredictable. I'm NOT a girl who likes unpredictable. I like planned. I like prepared. I like good bets. Safe bets. I like realistic. I like logical. I like sensible. -- WE ALL KNOW THAT LIFE IS NOT LIKE THIS. -- But, there must needs be opposition in all things. And if God puts scary and unpredictable in the world, then by all means, I can sure do my part infusing the safe and the planned and the thought-out.

And then, I can throw it all out the window when life really happens. And you know what? I'll still be smiling... :)