Daughter of God

I am blessed and humbled to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I remember first really gaining a testimony of it's truthfulness shortly before I was baptized at the age of eight. My mother asked me one day if I was excited to be baptized, and I quickly responded, "I'm not getting baptized." A little stunned, and worried, my mother asked, "Why not?" To which I replied, "I don't want to get baptized unless I know the church is true." In the days that followed I thought a lot on this, and during church the following Sunday I felt particularly impressed by the lessons on the Savior. I felt in my heart that the gospel really was true, and so I decided to get baptized after all, much to the relief of my mother. ;) To this day I still have a strong and sure testimony of this church.

It seems that I go through little cycles in my life (I'm sure many will relate). I get to a point where I feel like everything is going really well, I'm happy and fulfilled, and I have to think really hard to come up with anything worth complaining about. It's times like these that The Lord sees fit to shake things up a bit and give me a little trial or two to keep me on my toes. Once I fight my way through, and even throughout my hardest times, I feel that I have blessings heaped upon me, even to the point that I begin to feel like I don't deserve them. But I know that I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father. I know that He loves me, and I know that He hears my prayers and watches over me.

Recently I've gone through this very thing. When I moved back up here to Utah, I was blessed to very quickly find a job nannying for a family I became good friends with. I love their children, and the work they had for me was a perfect fit for my needs. I planned on staying with them for the duration of the fathers schooling and possibly internship, which would keep me steadily employed for about four years give or take. Then, this Spring, they told me that after some hard thinking they decided that as a family their best option was to move down to Arizona to be near family and better schooling. Two weeks later, they were out the door. I've written previously about this and how hard it was for me to decide to follow them, at least during the school year, and to continue working for them in Arizona. As of right now, I'm still committed to returning to AZ for one more college semester in the fall, then I'll come back home and have to find something new. I seriously underestimated the difficulty of following through with this decision, however. I knew I would be home this summer, and I knew that at some point I would run out of funds and need to have some other source of income. What I didn't think about was how hard it would be to find employment at this time when I need it the most. My problem is that no one wants to hire a nanny for two months just to have their children get used to them and then have them leave anyway. Many of the retail, or otherwise, companies hired their seasonal summer employees first thing in May and are all full until school starts again. I feel like I have looked everywhere I know how to look and still have been unable to find a job. But the bills keep coming. The responsibilities don't go away just because I am now unable to keep up with them. And the stress can be overwhelming.

 But at the same time, I am still also overwhelmed with blessings. My great car, that runs well and even has functioning air conditioning (a luxury compared with my last car!) has gone a full year without so much as a hiccup, and I know that I absolutely could not have come close to being able to get it without my wonderful Step-Grandparents. They came to my rescue when my car died in Arizona last summer and helped me get this new one. I now send my car payment every month straight to them, and their love and understanding during my unemployed summer has allowed me a little grace period to climb back up onto my feet again and not be too worse for the wear financially (aka, my credit will not be sabotaged). I also received a generous and selfless gesture from my Grandma Nielsen in helping to pay off a student loan. While I have been able to consistently write the repayment checks each month, the last few have been delayed this summer, but my smiling, understanding grandmother has not bat an eyelash of disappointment. I have been additionally blessed by a mother who has tolerated my coming over to eat most of my meals, and has even made a space for me in her home so that I can move all my things over from my apartment and not take up that space while I am gone in Arizona. This has an additional perk of eliminating the need for me to purchase groceries, as I am now able to be at home and eat with my family.

Yes, I've had a hard summer. I've been dealing with a struggle that many many people all around me are plenty familiar with. But through it all I have undoubtedly felt the love and care of my Father in Heaven. I know that He knows me, and knows my needs and weaknesses. I know that my Savior lives. I know that He died for me, and I know that He also knows me personally. I know that the church that is now restored to earth is the true and complete gospel. I love my family. I love my Savior and Father in Heaven. I know that in a few short weeks I will be well on my way up again. And I am grateful for the ride. :)

It Is Summer!

And Summer means...

Going to the Rodeo!

Roasting marshmallows and making s'mores

Watching movies outside with the projector

Wearing more pink and blue and vermillion

Walking barefoot in the grass

Letting my hair blow in the wind

Rolling up my pants

Working out every day

Sleeping just under the sheets

Reading books in the front yard

Turning on the air conditioning!

Driving real slow past the yellow wheat fields

A new season of the Bachelorette

Dollar flip flops from Old Navy

Hiking Mt. Timp with Meg

New romances

Old romances

Camping!
A new cow from Uncle Melvin
Snow cones
Parades
Cottonwoods raining down fluffy summer snow
Rolling the windows down
Taking lots of pictures
Cold showers
Spending lots of time at Mom's house
More freckles
Getting a little sunburned
Pinning my hair up
Eating lots of popsicles!
Missing good friends who are far away
Badminton in the back yard
Home grown vegetables
Accompanying the choir
Fireworks
Ten o'clock sunsets
Five o'clock sunrises
Picking lots of strawberries
Loving my family
Loving my town
Loving my life

Takin' a Walk Outside

what a day for a daydream

what a day for a daydreamin' boy

and im lost in a daydream

dreamin' 'bout my bundle of joy

and even if time ain't on my side

it's one of those days for takin' a walk outside

im blowin' the day to take a walk in the sun

and drawin' my face on somebodies new mowed lawn

i've been havin a sweet dream

i been dreamin' since i woke up today

it's starin' me and my sweet pea

cuz she's the one that makes me feel this way

and you can be sure that if you're feelin' right

it maybe will last along into the night

tomorrow at breakfast you can pick up your ears

or you may be daydreamin' for a thousand years

what a day for a daydream

custom made for a daydreamin' boy

and i'm lost in a daydream

dreamin' bout my bundle of joy

Getting Fresh

Lately, I am in love with pink.

Audrey Hepburn said:

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."

I have recently begun a project making over what will soon be my new bedroom. In the past I have habitually been drawn toward darker richer color schemes, and have a wealth of red and black room decor to prove it. But since coming home to Utah, I find that I no longer need to fill my life with dense rich colors to offset the the blanched landscape. The Utah valley (while still technically a desert) is a land rich in vibrant color and life, and I have lately been craving brighter more alive surroundings to match the Spring blooms and green grass, and now the endlessly blue summer sky. I have NEVER loved Summer. But here, it's seriously growing on me. Anyway, while I know it may be a challenge converting to a completely different color scheme considering so many of my belongings fit into another bracket entirely, along with my desire for a lighter canvas comes the desire to downsize and do some serious simplifying. The walls in my bedroom have been painted a happy pink/orange "Sunkissed Peach" with a deep blue-purple bird silhouette and curly quote on one wall ("Be like the bird that, pausing on her flight awhile on boughs too slight, feels them give way beneath her, and yet sings, knowing that she hath wings." -Victor Hugo), and as soon as the floors are finished I'll proceed to arrange my hopefully Anthropologie-esque new living space. Aren't fresh starts great? Fresh fresh fresh fresh fresh... :)

Home

Last night I had the great pleasure of gathering together with other members of my community to fill and haul and place sand bags in an effort to keep flooding water from damaging the many homes it threatened. I was hanging out with some people from my singles ward when the elders quorum president, who happens to be a friend, recieved a call informing him that one of the girls in our ward needed quick assistance from as many people as possible to try to protect her home from the steadily rising water, and since we were already gathered together we all loaded into cars and made our way to her neighborhood. The sudden flooding was actually a result of a heavy dose of Spring snowfall that we recieved a few weeks ago. It covered the mountains, and then when the temperatures hit the high eighties and nineties this week it all melted very quickly and ran down into our little valley. On top of that, we also had a quick onset of very heavy rain just hours before we heard about the flooding. I have to say, I have never been witness to an actual flood, or really anything like it, so I was shocked and amazed at the amount of water that was pouring out of the canals and nearby creeks. The street on which our fellow ward member lived was already knee deep in water and sadly there wasn't much else we could do for her than had already been done. But there was still a lot of work to do elsewhere. We began by hauling sand bags from one of the many trucks that were out (You'd be surprised just how many trucks there are in a small town Utah community. Love it.) and lining them accross the street in an attempt to redirect the coursing water to a drain on the corner. When we had done all we could there our gaggle of wet, sandy volunteers loaded back into the car and made our way to a spot near the rodeo grounds to actually fill and tie the sand bags so that there would be enough for the people still placing them. The work was dirty and hard, but we barely noticed with the high spirits of so many happy service-givers. We worked late into the night shoveling and tieing and loading the sand bags that would hopefully prevent the kind of serious flooding that had already afflicted several homes in the area. By the time 1:30am rolled around I was exhausted and very sore, but so grateful to be a part of what we accomplished.

It's things like this that not only remind me how much I love living here, with such a tight knit community of truly great and selfless people, but also how incredibly lucky and blessed I am. My home was untouched by the flood waters. At the end of the night I came into a safe clean house and was able to climb into my own warm bed in my own room and just sleep. How blessed I am to have a home. How blessed I am to have my family so near, who loves and cares for me and whom I love as well. How blessed am I to be a part of a ward family who understands the importance of friendship and service. People who love the Gospel and live its teachings. How blessed am I to live on God's beautiful, miraculous, living earth, with it's many wonders. Truly, I am so blessed to be a daughter of my Heavenly Father, and to have the great opportunity to be here, now, a member of His chuch, trying as much as I can to live the teachings of my Savior. It shouldn't take a flood to remember these things, and really, it didn't. I am humbled every day and filled with gratitude for the wonderful life I lead. And even in the face of tragedy and loss, I am grateful for the opportunities I have to serve my fellow men and rally together with friends and neighbors in defense of our little community. It is so good to be, and feel completely and inescapably, at home.

A Good Motto

"Be like the bird that,
pausing on her flight awhile
on boughs too slight,
feels them give way beneath her,
and yet sings,
knowing that she hath wings."
--Victor Hugo

Someone Worth Finding

I usually try to stay away from talking about love, or crushes, or marriage, or any such related topics on this blog. Not at all because I don't think about those things, but because I'm afraid that if I get started, I won't stop, and that's not what I want the theme of this particular blog to be. I'm one of those girls who grew up enacting play-weddings with her siblings, collecting pictures of weddings from magazines, listing and re-listing and describing in relative detail the qualities she'd prefer in her "perfect" match. One of those girls who dreams about her future spouse, wedding, and children. It's something I think I just came pre-wired with, and regardless of how many excuses I make for myself to seem a little less crazy, that's just the girl I am. I want love. I want a family. More than anything on this earth. And over the years I think I've gone through several different phases of thinking when it comes to my opinion on how I'll find that love, and start that family. Sometimes I knew I was just being silly, and other times I thought for sure I was right, only to decide a few months, or years down the line that I had in fact progressed just a little bit further from what I had decided was a mature way of thinking into something even a little more realistic. My reluctance to write on this subject publicly is tied to that knowledge about myself. I change my mind. I learn. I grow. And when I reflect back on how I used to think about certain things, I think to myself, thank goodness I didn't share that with anyone else. It sounds so silly now! But for some reason I can't shake the desire to mull through my mind today and in my currently unattached state sort out the newest version of my view on love.

My sister Kira and I have begun a project. We're planning my wedding. My wedding that at some point in my future, (be it relatively near, or very very far) will occur. [I know this seems very silly and possibly jouvenile, but there is a method to my madness, I assure you.] Kira was recently married to my completely awesome now Brother-in-Law Gabe. She's always had an uncanny knack for planning (It must run in the family.) and she was essentially her very own wedding planner. We've been organizing mock wedding plans for years, and she's become quite good at knowing just how to do each little thing even if we don't actually execute any of it. (By, she's become quite good, I really mean, it's ridiculous how meticulous and awesome she is at planning weddings for someone who doesn't get paid to do it. She's like Jane on "27 Dresses". Kind of. Haha) Ordinarily I wouldn't be so into planning a wedding without the excitement of, um, a fiancée, but a thought occurred to me. When I do meet the person I want to marry and who also wants to marry me (Kicker. :P), the thought of a very very long engagement is not particularly appealing to me. Relatively long courtship, yes. But once that ring is on my finger, let's get the show on the road. The thought of a shoddy, quickly thrown together wedding reception is also not very appealing. Catch 22. (I wander when I write and am probably the queen of disclaimers and tangents, but the solution will be forthcoming, I promise.) Now, I know I'm beginning to come off as a little diva-ish, wanting everything my way, but I'm a very special kind of diva. I don't expect anyone else to give me what I want just how I want it. Oh no. I'm the kind of diva who enjoys nothing more than taking an obstacle and devising and executing a plan to overcome that obstacle. Why would I selfishly ask someone else to do the work that I'm fully capable of doing myself? And so we've come full circle to the solution to that catch 22. If I begin planning my wedding now, despite the fact that I am currently not even dating anyone, when the time comes that I am ready to start making a wedding happen, I will already have the bones of a plan, and a really good grip on what I'll need to do in order for the plan to become a reality. Obviously there are a lot of big unknowns when it comes to things like this that really can't be pinned down until there is a groom involved. I'll want his opinion and input on everything, and there is also the matter of finances at the time of engagement and thereafter which will largely determine the amount of the plan that will come to fruition.

Just to clarify, we're talking about the planning of a wedding reception here, as well as the logistics of the day I will be sealed to my husband in the temple. Things like attending to out-of-towners, wedding showers, wedding party luncheon, etc. I know that the most important thing is that I do indeed marry my husband for eternity in the temple, and that the party we get to have afterward is just that- a party. If funds are scarce, I won't mind a small party. And there are a lot of possibles on the master wedding plan list that really are optional. That's one of those can't-know-til-it's-actually-happening things. But the main idea here is simply to be prepared. I'm a HUGE advocate for planning and preparedness. That way I won't turn into bridezilla trying to pull off a tasteful winter wedding when I only just became engaged on Thanksgiving. (Hypothetical situation. Obviously.)

Alright. So now that I've got the imaginary wedding out of the way, I think I'd like to write about the marriage part. The people part. The part that matters. I have a quote hanging in my house next to a picture of the Salt Lake Temple that reads:

"I would admonish you to maintain an eternal perspective. Make certain that the marriage in your future is a temple marriage. There is no scene so sweet, no time so sacred as that very special day of your marriage. Then and there you glimpse celestial joy..."  --Thomas S. Monson

 And that, folks, is what it's about. Celestial joy. While I am in my early years I'll prepare most carefully so I can marry in God's temple for eternity. These are not just the words to a song we learn in Primary. It's for real. Life is happening, and the time to prepare is now. I've decided (DUH) that 'finding' my husband has absolutely nothing to do with finding him. He's not lost for goodness sake. It's about being someone worth finding. How wonderful to discover that this small, obvious realization would make life so much easier! I should have been smart a long time ago. Although, I suppose it really wouldn't have mattered since I'm really just getting started into all this business of I-could-get-a-guy-and-marry-him-anytime-now-and-that-would-be-okay. I have begun to think about this twenty-something-single part of my life as a chapter all on it's own. It's not just the italicized introduction to another chapter. I have also decided that I want it to be a really good chapter, and the only person who is in charge of that is me! So in stead of putting my focus on dating, and assessing, and analyzing, and crossing off the checklist, I'm putting my focus on his checklist for me. That sounds off... I guess what I'm saying is that I've stopped looking other places and started looking inside myself. I know I'm young, and I'm in absolutely no rush to get married. That's not to say that I don't think I'd be ready for it if it happened. Because I know that I would be. I would step up. I've always been that way. Rising to each challenge. But I'm not right now, and that's great. I'm in no rush, and that means I can take my time taking chances and making mistakes and figuring out what makes me happy all by myself. Just ME. If I become ME before I'm found, how much greater of a find will I be?? How much happier and safer will I feel if I can come into a relationship saying, this is who I am, and this is what I want, and if who you are and what you want can hold hands with that and keep smiling, then let's do this! In stead of, I think who you are and what you want is wonderful, so let's see if when I figure myself out somewhere along the line, we'll still jive with each other. Scary. Unpredictable. I'm NOT a girl who likes unpredictable. I like planned. I like prepared. I like good bets. Safe bets. I like realistic. I like logical. I like sensible. -- WE ALL KNOW THAT LIFE IS NOT LIKE THIS. -- But, there must needs be opposition in all things. And if God puts scary and unpredictable in the world, then by all means, I can sure do my part infusing the safe and the planned and the thought-out.

And then, I can throw it all out the window when life really happens. And you know what? I'll still be smiling... :)

Today, I am Sick

It's been a very very long time since I can even remember being sick enough to say, I am sick. I rarely get "sick" at all, but even if I do have a headache, mildly sore throat, or any other kind of malady, I just suck it up and will it away. It's been literally years since I've taken a day off of work (or school) because I was sick. Now, I haven't taken any work off quite yet, and hopefully won't need to tomorrow, but I did allow myself to sleep all morning in stead of going to church. I know if I can do that and feel alright about it, I must really be sick. I find myself thinking today how colossal the list of things I don't suffer from/through really is, and how incredibly blessed I am. I think about my family members, and close friends, who deal with cumbersome health issues on a regular basis. Depression runs in my family. My mother and sister both suffer from thyroid malfunction and it's accompanying distresses. My little brother used to be congested basically 24/7, but luckily it's not quite so bad now. I can remember while I was in school watching the people around me in what seemed like cycles miss school due to illness. I, on the other hand, had to think up good reasons to miss school and plan those "sick days" based on what was going on in my classes so that I didn't miss anything too important. Haha:) I like to think that what I call my ironclad immune system came about due to my very particularly circumstantial childhood. First of all, my mother ran a daycare in our home for several years. I was always always always exposed to anything that was going around. Sometimes I got it, and sometimes I got it and never realized it because my body fought it off faster than it could catch on. Secondly, while I never once felt like we were lacking anything, or were poor in any way, I realize now that I may have been told repeatedly that getting sick was simply not allowed because we couldn't afford it. When I broke my leg as a five-year-old, the closest I got to the emergency room was the parking lot. Then I was driven back home and carried around for weeks so that my very capable body could heal all on its own. I don't mean this to sound tragic in any way. Quite the contrary. Our little(big) family was on the receiving end of many miracles. We struggled, as all families do, but we were healthy because getting sick was, simply, not allowed. Me being the stickler for rules that I am caught on to that concept seemingly subconsciously, the same way that Mom and Dad put it there without realizing it.
I am grateful for a mother who didn't coddle and baby her children as they grew, but who taught us to be strong and trust our magnificent bodies to do exactly what God designed them to do. I am grateful for a body that does not let me down, and that fights on the inside just as hard as I try to on the outside. I am grateful for ears, eyes, fingers and toes, that function to the capacity they were intended to. Today, though I am sick, I am grateful for my health.

Lime Chicken Tortilla Yum!

Last weekend I had a pretty awesome date with a guy from my ward, and the wonderful Meagan Berry and her friend from her ward. We had a great time just chatting and laughing, but one of the best parts was this delicious soup that we made for dinner!! I got the recipe from my sister's friend Jennica, and it turned out perfectly. The picture here isn't exactly what it looked like because ours had the salsa fresca in it, and shredded chicken too, but it's as close as I could find online. Nothing like a good homestyle recipe:) Enjoy!

Chicken Tortilla Soup with Salsa Fresca
Ingredients:
4 corn tortillas (6-7 in.)
3 tbsp olive oil
1 onion, peeled and finely chopped
1 tsp minced or pressed garlic
1 dried bay leaf
1/2 tsp dried oregano
1/2 tsp crushed dried chili pepper flakes
8 cups chicken broth
1 large ripe avocado
1 lime/lime juice
3/4 cup shredded jack cheese
2-3 chicken breast pieces


Salsa Fresca:
1 lb ripe tomatoes
1 fresh jalapeno
1/4 cup finely chopped onion
1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro
4 tbsp lime juice

Stack tortillas and cut into 1-inch-wide strips. Pour oil into a 5- to 6-quart pan over high heat. When oil is hot, add tortilla strips and stir often until crisp and lightly browned, 2 to 3 minutes. Remove from heat and, with a slotted spoon, transfer tortilla strips to towels to drain.
Cook chicken thoroughly in pan with lime juice and season to taste. Add onion and garlic to pan the last five minutes so it cooks until limp. Pour chicken broth and add spices to a large pot. Add onion and garlic, and shred chicken before adding to the pot.Cook on high heat and allow to boil for 20 minutes.
Meanwhile, prepare the salsa fresca by dicing tomatoes and other ingredients and mixing together in a bowl, or combining in food processor until coarsely puréed. Pit, peel, and thinly slice the avocado. Rinse lime and cut crosswise into thin slices; discard ends.
Add half of the salsa fresca to the soup in the pot and allow to finish cooking the remainder of the 20 minutes. When soup is done, pour evenly into bowls and add the fresh avocado slices and remainder of the salsa fresca. Garnish with tortilla strips, lime slices, and jack cheese.
Enjoy!!

Danielle Loves...

Rainy days
Watching movies with a blanket in her lap
When Kira and Gabe visit
Painting her fingernails
ANTHROPOLOGIE
Cinnamon Life cereal
Freshly colored hair
Winter trees
When the baby laughs
Santiago Huckleberry candles
Great photography
Stiletto heels
Cool showers after great workouts
Mustard yellow
Honey Crisp apples
When the bed is made
Clear skin days
Bare feet in the sand
Sunglasses
Downeast Basics
The rockstar diaries Blog
Nerts with the family on Sunday night
C.O. Bigelow Ultra Mentha Lip Shine
Emily Dickensen poems
Date night
Happy children
Cute aprons
Reading magazines
Antique books
Brushing her teeth
Long enough pants
Researching/projects with Kira
Collaborative cooking
Mom's back yard
Her sisters
Her little brother
The really good Disney Pixar movies
Eclectic design
Making it on her own
Her job
Open windows in the Springtime
The smell of fresh flowers
Birds
Black and white
Listening to old records
Playing the piano
Nice cold water
Boys with toasty skin
Catching Eli cleaning up after himself without being asked
Ralph Lauren Rocks perfume
Meaningful quotes
That she has her mother's nose
The first time of the year that she can see her breath
Singing out loud in the car
Spending less than forty dollars on a tank of gas
Pita Jungle restaurant
Feeling full long before she ever used to
Her freckles
Discovering that something is on sale at the checkout
Not having homework
Jessica's effortless style
Hearing from good friends unexpectedly
Thursdays
Taking naps
Her Chuck
Avocados
Plaid flannel pajama pants on Christmas morning
Sabra hummus
Zooey Deschanel
Velvet couches
Her yellow bag from Franchesca's
Galoshes
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
Diesel Fuel For Life cologne
Lehi, Utah
The Rodeo
Waking up to fresh snowfall
Hot apple pie
The Bomb in a Bird Cage album
Being a girlfriend
People who use correct grammar
Easy Sunday afternoons
Grilled salmon
The dream she has about her future children
Getting all gussied up for a night on the town
Football
Arizona sunsets
Griffith Observatory
The Salt Lake Temple
Her life

<3

Liberated

"OUR DEEPEST FEAR IS NOT THAT WE ARE INADEQUATE. OUR DEEPEST FEAR IS THAT WE ARE POWERFUL BEYOND MEASURE. IT IS OUR LIGHT, NOT OUR DARKNESS, THAT MOST FRIGHTENS US. WE ASK OURSELVES, WHO AM I TO BE BRILLIANT, GORGEOUS, TALENTED, AND FABULOUS? ACTUALLY, WHO ARE YOU NOT TO BE? YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD. YOUR PLAYING SMALL DOESN'T SERVE THE WORLD. THERE'S NOTHING ENLIGHTENED ABOUT SHRINKING SO THAT OTHER PEOPLE WON'T FEEL INSECURE AROUND YOU. WE ARE ALL MEANT TO SHINE, AS CHILDREN DO. WE ARE BORN TO MAKE MANIFEST THE GLORY OF GOD THAT IS WITHIN US. IT'S NOT JUST IN SOME OF US, IT'S IN EVERYONE. AND AS WE LET OUR OWN LIGHT SHINE, WE UNCONSCIOUSLY GIVE OTHER PEOPLE PERMISSION TO DO THE SAME. AS WE ARE LIBERATED FROM OUR OWN FEAR, OUR PRESENCE AUTOMATICALLY LIBERATES OTHERS."
-MARIANNE WILLIAMSON

Just Enjoy the Show

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go, I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

Slow it down
Make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much
Yeah, it's a lot
To be something I'm not

I'm a fool out of love
'Cause I just can't get enough

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go, I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

The sun is hot in the sky
Just like a giant spotlight
The people follow the sign
And synchronize in time
It's a joke, nobody knows
They've got a ticket to that show
Yeah

I want my money back
I want my money back
I want my money back
Just enjoy the show... 


LENKA

Something Unexpected

I've been telling myself for a while now that I definitely need to be on the lookout for some major bumps in the road, because I've been so happy, and everything in my life seems to be going so well. I find so much to be thankful for these days. I am LOVING the weather, despite it's multiple-personality-disorder tendencies. I absolutely love being so close to my family here in Lehi. I love that I have such a peaceful and spacious place to live, free of rent. I love my calling in my ward, scary as it may seem at times. I love that I have found such great friends in my ward and get to spend time with them and just enjoy being the single twenty-somethings that we are. One of the greatest things I feel I have been blessed with is my job. I LOVE my job. I can honestly say that it is THE best job I've had in my entire life. I've been blessed with some pretty great jobs in the past, yes, but I really have NO complaints with this one. It's close to home, the pay is great, the hours are great, the family I work for is very understanding and flexible and accommodating. And those boys.. Oh goodness I love those boys. For any readers who may be unaware, I am working as a nanny for a family here in Lehi with two little boys, aged one and a half and nearly three. I never come home in a bad mood, and find so much joy in even the little mundane tasks that my "playing mommy" requires. You never really know true humor until you've interacted with little kids. They are a riot, let me tell you. Lol.
So. Now that we've established how great I've got it, by some miracle, here comes the kicker. This family that I'm working for has family living in Mesa, Arizona. The school that Jason, the husband, is attending is also based in Mesa, but he has been taking his lectures online, and then flying down to Mesa for finals and to check in about once a month. The reason they have been living so comfortably here in Lehi is that Sarah, the wife has been working as an accountant for a company in Salt Lake City. She's worked very hard and attained a position in the company with many responsibilities and benefits. However, her company has become aware of the fact that they have been looking to buy a house in another neighborhood in the Utah Valley. The company very kindly suggested that she request a transfer to their Arizona location. Of course this is a great idea for this family. It makes sense on a lot of levels, and is obviously the best option for them at this time. When I came back from Spring Break at the beginning of this week I was informed that they had in fact decided to make that move. I was also told that the hardest part of this decision for them was thinking of a way that they could convince me to come with them and continue working as their nanny in Mesa. Wow. So now I'm faced with a real dilemma. The circumstances of me doing this would be as follows: I would drive down to Arizona in my car and stay with them in their new home for the remainder of this school year (because when Jason is out of school for the summer, he will take care of the kids himself), then I would come back home to Lehi. When school starts up again in August, I would drive back down to Mesa and stay with them again, (or figure out a different living situation if I was uncomfortable staying in their home) and continue working for the duration of the school year, coming home to Lehi during breaks, just like someone would do if they were to attend an out of state school. My hangups with this option would be not knowing if my finances would last over the summer, and also feeling so unsettled in my living situation. I've had trouble with this in the past, where I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I 'belonged' in Mesa for so long that when we moved here I felt like I was in limbo; no home in Mesa, and Lehi wasn't home yet either. But now I feel that I really have established a home for myself here, and have come to love it so much that although I have great friends in Mesa, I really feel that I am so much happier and more fulfilled in Lehi. If I decide to accept Sarah and Jason's offer to continue working for them (which they coupled up with a raise as well, to entice me to accept) I would once again be split between two worlds. I know that I could make it work if I had to, but the real question for me is, is it worth it? I dread the idea of having to find a new job, and then the idea that it might not be nearly as good as my work with Sarah and Jason. I also hate the idea of not getting to work with those great little boys anymore too. I feel so lucky to have found this job in the first place, and now I've got to decide if it's really good enough for me to sacrifice what I would need to in order for it to work out in Mesa.
Obviously, if I decided that I really just couldn't handle being split between my two 'homes' and needed to stay here in Lehi more permanently, I would have to find another job and begin working this summer. I know how frightening and unsettling it is to not know where my income is going to come from, and having to weed through countless job options that may or may not be sufficient for my needs. It's something I've gone through before, and it only makes having a great job and not having to worry about that even sweeter. Incidentally, I've also reached the point at this time when my school loans are kicking in. My grace period has ended, and I now have two more bills to add to my monthly list. So it is very important that I do have a reliable income.
I wish I had a better conclusion for this post, but as of right now I'm still right in the middle of this war in my head. It seems like I change my mind every five minutes. Whenever I am at work, I think there's no way I could leave those boys and have to go through a crazy stressful job hunt once again, but when I'm not, I end up rationalizing and convincing myself that I should just let it be okay to move on to the next thing and trust that it will still be an acceptable situation. One main argument I've been using with myself is that I know this job won't last forever. Eventually when Jason finishes school and his internship, he will start working, and Sarah will be able to stay home with the boys, which is their ultimate goal. With this in mind, I think, if I know I'll have to stop working for them eventually, why drag it out? But on the flip side, once again, I know this job won't last forever. I'll have maybe four years tops that I'll need to go back and forth, and then I'll just move on to the next thing here in Utah. I won't be stuck in an endless limbo, just four years max, and even then, both places will have their perks. I lived in Mesa for ten years already, it's not like it's someplace new entirely. I have good friends in Mesa. I wouldn't be lonely.
Goodness. I could talk myself in circles about this for hours. I suppose I really just need to keep praying for guidance, like I have been so frequently, and trust that when the time comes that I need to make an absolute decision, I will. And it will be okay. And life will go on, and I will be happy:) Because I sure have so much to be happy about.

Something to Feast On...

"We have all seen the evil workings of the adversary, but have we ever considered that maybe the adversary is waging a war on our health? Wouldn't it be easy for him to take away our health, happiness, and self-esteem in a technology-laden, food-dependent world? On the other hand, Heavenly Father wants us to be healthy; he gave us divine instruction pertaining to our temporal and spiritual health. As a beacon of light, he gave us the Word of Wisdom. The Word of Wisdom isn't just about what we shouldn't do but also what we should do in order to be our best. For many of us, that means losing weight--and not just losing weight to fit into an item of clothing that was really bought too small as some sort of twisted motivaton. Rather, it means losing weight to become healthy and feel great--so we can accomplish the great things Heavenly Father sent us here to do."

--Melanie Douglass, R.D. In "Losing It! An LDS Guide to Healthy Living"

LOVE, Danielle

Dear Grandma's Pramberger,

You are the love of my life. It's too bad I can't fold you up and put you in my pocket and take you everywhere with me. You are perfect, but you are not portable.

Dear fat lip,

Please go away very soon. I like to look nice on the weekends so that I can attract a husband.

Dear Jessica,

That tea party hors d'oeuvre you are making smells delicious. You are a little Cookie McGee and you are cute when you wear ugly aprons.

Dear Ross and Rachel,

I am very very upset that you broke up. Please stop being stupid and pissing me off.

Dear rain,

I love you.

Dear Abby Moses the small dog,

You are very smelly and I don't want you to touch me, but you are also funny and it's okay for you to live at my Mom's house.

Dear t-shirt,
Why did I wear you today? It is too cold for cap sleeves. Although, you do look great on me.

Dear trees across the street,
Thank you for being huge and awesome. Keep up the good work.

Dear future husband,
I know you are busy getting your PhD, but please take just a little break to buy me dinner and tell me I look pretty.

Dear food,
Thank you for being so delicious, but please stop trying to seduce me. Especially you, dark chocolate.

Dear pants,
Please stop falling down. I'm sorry, but my part in this issue is not going to change, so you're just going to have to get smaller too. Try to keep up.

Dear Mom who is using Facebook at work,
You are funny and I like you a lot.

Dear smudge on my glasses,
You are annoying. Cut it out.

Dear Kira and Gabe in LA,
Stop being so far away. This is unacceptable. Commence plans to return to Lehi immediately. Thank you.

Dear friends from my ward,
You are funny and fun to be around. Thank you for making me talk to you and sit by you in sacrament meeting.

LOVE, Danielle

She Comes In Colors

Have you seen her dressed in blue?

See the sky in front of you

And her face is like a sail

Speck of white so fair and pale

Have you seen a lady fairer?

Have you seen her all in gold?

Like a queen in days of old

She shoots her colors all around

Like a sunset going down

Have you seen a lady fairer?

She comes in colors everywhere

She combs her hair

She's like a rainbow

Coming, colors in the air

Oh, everywhere

She comes in colors

A wonderful thing has happened. I’ve rediscovered my happiness. Wowie, I forgot how good I am at it too! Haha:) Not only have I dropped nearly fifteen pounds since Christmas, I’ve gone to enough ward activities to procure a really great social circle for myself, and discovered that I apparently get super into church basketball games. I don’t know for how much longer they’re going to play, but every Wednesday and Thursday there’s a game at my building we all go to. It’s quite the event. Can I just say how much I still love my ward? Blessing after blessing after blessing. I am one lucky girl!

Last night I had the gang over to watch (500) Days of Summer, which is still one of my all time favorite movies! It sort of reminds me of the most recent relationship I had, which for me ended quite simply when I moved away. He had a slightly harder time with the transition though, and it has been something of a struggle explaining to him why it was actually really okay. I don’t want to ruin the movie for those who will still have the privilege of seeing it, but one aspect of the story line is that Summer, the girl, does not believe in love, or fate, or forever, whereas Tom, the boy, believes so strongly in them that he creates quite the predicament for himself when those ideals come under examination. I love the opening line for the film, "This is a story of boy meets girl... But you should know up front, this is not a love story." Coupled with the beautifully unique crooning of Regina Spektor, it’s hard not to fall in love right from the very beginning. Good stuff. :)

In Lieu of Wooing Beardy

I'd say I underestimated the loneliness, but that would be a lie. I knew how hard it would be to adjust to such a drastically downsized social circle when I got here, but expecting it and experiencing it are two different things entirely. I love Lehi. I love the weather here. I love the small town feel, with all the amenities still so close at hand. I love the trees; they're even beautiful in the winter. I love being so close to my family. I love having somewhere to call home that doesn't reek of paint and cigarette smoke. I love that Grandma's gorgeous Pramberger baby grand is just a staircase away. I love that I can curl up tight, or sprawl out sideways on the queen sized bed and still not have to worry about falling off. I love that I have a comfy rocker next to the fireplace to settle in and warm up with a magazine on cold nights. I love that I love this place. I love that I made the decision to come here of my own free will and then made it happen. Because I wouldn't love it if I didn't. But I did, and I do. So this feeling so lonely all the time thing that keeps tugging at the hem of my shirt should be easier to banish, shouldn't it?.. I suppose the most frustrating part is knowing that I should be perfectly content, and then some, with all the wonderful blessings I know I've recieved that have got me this far. I shouldn't want more. I shouldn't need more. But still there's that tugging. The not wanting to go home and be alone after any given outing. The not wanting to sit on the couch, or walk on the treadmill and watch another movie by myself. There's the wanting to have somewhere else to go, someone else to see, something else to look forward to.
In the past, I've had boyfriends. Now, that tug is not necessarily the same one I've been experiencing as of late, but it has given me something of a common denominator to life in the past. Something to put markers in the passing of time. Something to fill in the cracks. Something to smile about. (Not that I don't already have plenty to smile about, it's just different.) Weekends were not something to stress about because even if I didn't have plans, I knew I had plans. I know full well that having a boyfriend now is not the 'fix' I'm looking for, but perhaps it would be nice to just have a date? With all the friends and acquaintances (my age, no less) who are already either married, or bejeweled on a particular hand, one date should not be such a difficult request! I'm actually really supposed to make that happen sometime in the near future so that I can double with my good friend and my step-brother, whom, after meeting on my birthday, have both expressed their interest in each other to me. Good things. However, upon looking repeatedly through my phone book, I've discovered that while I surely would have been able to find a date, as well as several backups were I still located in Mesa, all of the boys I know on this side of the state line are either on their missions, or living in a different city. Mostly the mission thing. What's a girl to do to get a date in this town!
Which leads me to... Beardy. Haha:) SO. On Sunday I went to my new singles ward for the first time. Without a doubt it was a black and white experience when compared to the last singles ward I attended. Within minutes of sitting down for sacrament meeting, I was greeted and introduced to a few of the regular girls. After the first meeting, the bishopric also introduced themselves and welcomed me. I was acknowledged in Relief Society. And I hadn't left the building before several of the members of the ward encouraged me to come participate in the upcoming ward and stake activities. Talk about Heavenly Father knowing just where to put you and what you need! I'm mildly hopeful that this whole 'date' fiasco will tie into my new friendly ward somehow too.
Of course I did my initial sizing up of the potential when I came in, and let me tell you, there is a gold mine of young single attractive members in this city. While a fair few young men caught my eye, one in particular kept me looking. Due to his dapper sense of style, and the wealth of done-just-right facial hair on that handsome, debonair face of his, he will henceforth be referred to as: Beardy. Ohh, Beardy.. I noticed that he saw me in the congregation as well, and even looked back at my row a few times before the meeting began. I, of course, slyly and quite mysteriously ignored him to create more of an intrigue he'd be sure to want to figure out. Oh yes, I'm very good at what I do. Ha! Then after the block was over there he was leaning against a table in the hallway right outside of the class I happened to be in. Now, I know this was certainly mere coincidence; I'm not so deluded to think that he would seek me out on purpose, however, it was terribly convenient. *evil laug--* Ehem! So anyway, I just collected my things and coolly walked right past him, glancing over to make eye contact only for a very brief moment before continuing down the hall to the door, all the while smirking to myself and feeling his gaze on my back. And that was that! Who knows what kind of person he actually is, or if I'll ever even have a real conversation with him, but goodness me is he cute. I've recited this story to a few close friends, and they're all very adamant about the fact that I should just suck it up and ask him out, but how on earth can I do that before I make him think I don't want to! It would render my strategy to make him fall in love with me completely useless. Hahaha:) So I suppose for now I'll just have those few outings on my social calendar, and that sweet lovin' Pramberger to be my boyfriend. Going out with Beardy will have to wait, and my sense of humor will keep me sane until then. I'm feeling better already. :)

In the Style of Shakespeare

So last night, Lucas called me and asked if I could help him with a particular assignment. He's taking Mrs. Bingham's Creative Writing Class at Lehi, which was by far my favorite class probably throughout all of grade school when I took it during my last semester there. I just loved the curriculum, I loved the way Mrs. Bingham taught, and I loved having the excuse of an assignment to actually sit down and write, which I sometimes put off if I didn't have to, but still enjoyed immensely whenever I did. The assignment was to write a poem in the style of a sonnet. (He was asked to write a fourteen line poem, but not necessarily to stick 100% to the rhyme scheme/iambic pentameter that is usually found in sonnets.) The poem was supposed to be about someone he loved, and to have a turn at the end, in sonnet style. Lucas said that he would like to write the poem about me (what a sweet little brother) and told me that if I came into his class so that he could read it to me, he would get a lot of extra credit points. Ha:) Of course I agreed. He came over a little later and we began to construct what we've decided to entitle, "Lucas's Love Poem" together. I know he didn't have to be limited by the traditional sonnet setup, but I thout it would be neat if we tried to make it work anyway. We had a lot of fun laughing and listing and brainstorming and rewriting some goofy stuff before we settled on a final product. In my defense, Lucas came up with most of it, and I just helped him organize his thoughts, so I'm not really this conceited, but it was a cute idea. Voila! Lucas's Love Poem. :)

There is a girl so confident and bright,
Demure at times, though wily still inside.
She brightens up the room like mornings light;
Audacious to a fault, but short of pride.

Her eyes are blue as azure summer skies,
Her hair like fire, falling past her cheeks.
It seems no foul mood can be her demise.
She spouts off humor every time she speaks.

No doubt all men would deem her quite a catch;
She turns their heads at any distant sight.
She'll make one lucky man a splendid match;
He'll say she was well worth the gallant fight.

Yet I'm immune to all that here depicts her.
And how can I resist? Well, she's my sister.

A New Leaf

For a while now, and especially during the time I moved out to Mesa a few years ago, I haven't been the most vigilant when it came to my health and eating habits. I tend to go through these little surges of health kicks where I'll refuse any fast food, faithfully work out to my Denise Austin "Shrink Your Female Fat Zones" DVD, and perhaps for a time halt the very slow, very gradual expansion of my waistline. I know I always do feel much better physically and psychologically when I'm doing this, however, I'll go on for several months, and after seeing what seems like absolutely no change in my appearance, I'll get discouraged and fall off the wagon. (This picture always makes me laugh a little bit. And I do love me some hard boiled eggs!)
While I feel that my eating habits have never really been dismal (I'd drink soda only when it was offered to me, eat fast food only when I had to, and didn't spend much money at all on nutrition-void snack cakes, etc.), my portion sizes were victim to a pretty severe oversight. Also, I'm a HUGE pasta and dairy lover. My switch to skim milk several years ago made me feel a little bit better about that, but still, the carb and fat levels in those two types of foods were really not helping my physique to say the least.

BUT. This year marks a new start. I know it's a bit cliche, and thousands of people set fitness goals at the start of every new year and then quit a few months in, but I'm really serious about it. I've reached a point in my life now when I can no longer deny that my weight and overall fitness are not just problems for my physical appeal and self esteem. I've got to make a change NOW if I want to make sure I don't put myself in real mortal danger in the coming years of my life. I know that in order for me to really make a difference I need to set goals and form habits that will continue on long after the initial excitement fades. I've acquired a treadmill from my dear friend Meagan, and an iPod as well with the help of another dear friend, Dallon. The first nullifies the excuses of bad weather, or public appearance to keep me from walking on a regular basis (This is habit #1 being put into place). The second, while providing a wonderfully convenient way to take my music with me wherever I need to while exercising, also has an awesome application on it that when used properly will keep track of all the calories and nutrients I ingest, applying them to a personally calculated weight loss plan. I love it. Whenever I eat anything, or exercise, I plug it in to the "Lose It!" program, and that way I can keep very close watch on what, and how much I'm eating. So far with the goals and information I've entered, I'm doing very well with sticking to the 1,700 (+/-) calorie limit, and minimum of half an hour of deliberate exercise every day. Another cool gadget I've invested in to help me stick to and reach my goals is a bathroom scale that measures not only my overall weight, but also the weight of my bones, BMI, water percentage, and body fat percentage. Every time I step up it tells me what difference I've made in these things since the last time it was measured. And we all know that having that in your face on a daily basis is a great way to not forget about the fact that when you eat food, it actually goes inside of your body and changes it. For better or for worse. I've switched to ONLY whole wheat pasta. (which I actually really don't love the texture of, so I'm eating less pasta anyway. Good choice all around.) I'm adding much more fruit and veggies to my diet, and any dairy I eat has to be very low fat, or fat free if possible.

As of right now, I'm feeling very good about the changes I'm making, and hope to add even more routine health-saving habits that will compell me to reach my goals without so much drama and stop and go. This isn't a diet. It isn't a phase. This is a life change that I plan on holding on to for a very long time. Wish me luck. :)

Watering the Grass

WELL. Life certainly does have its way of sneaking up on you, tapping you on the shoulder and giggling, and then running off in front of you leaving you dashing and grasping after it, wondering when it got to be so nimble and tricky that you had to work so hard to keep up.

This past year for Christmas, I left the comfort of a tightly knit social circle and seventy-five degrees of Mesa, Arizona winter for the chilly postcard town of Lehi, Utah. Home. No matter how lonesome I get, or how many snowy days of yeah-you-actually-live-here-now...-how-on-earth-did-that-happen? realizations, there's no denying that Lehi is where my heart is. Now to just figure out how to create some semblance of a functioning, adequately filled and varied life for myself. I'm already all moved in to my new house, which is attached to the unequivocally wonderful Marilyn Nielsen's beautiful home, and have created a downsized version of a schedule for now. Full time work doesn't start until the 18th. I haven't yet attended the ward I'm now in. And I am not in high school. What's a girl to do to get some social interaction? Here's to hoping that this new singles ward can begin to measure up to my last one, as I have a feeling that a large portion of any new acquaintances and connections will be coming through my involvement in it. But. I have faith. And my trust is wholeheartedly put in the hands of my loving Heavenly Father. Yes, this is the place I tried so desperately to escape before, but now I'm here willingly. And by goodness, I'm going to make it work. After all, I knew that the grass really wouldn't be any greener on this side. But it'll plump up with this here water I brought. ;)

There is a voice inside of you

That whispers all day long,

"I feel that this is right for me,

I know that this is wrong."

No teacher, preacher, parent, friend,
Or wise man can decide

What's right for you- Just listen to

The voice that speaks inside.

-Shel Silverstein