Beautiful

It's relative, isn't it?
Feeling beautiful today.
Because of the weather.
(Yeah, that's how it works with me.)
Kiss kiss!

Jessica Dawn Shane

is my favorite person.

I hope that she doesn't mind me dedicating this post to her, especially since I am naming her by her very name, but in all seriousness I love this woman to the moon and back again. Jessica has been my sister for nearly nineteen years now and we have definitely been through our share of downs and outs, but in the past few years I feel like I have grown closer to her than almost every other person on this green earth. Jessica is a knockout stunner, so beautiful, and yet so at home in her own skin. She's unique and quirky and unpredictable, quick and sharp and blunt. She says exactly what she means and never takes it back, never makes excuses, but most of the time she doesn't do it with her words. I love the way that she can convey an entire thought process or emotion just with the tiniest expressions on her face. She doesn't talk just to talk, she says everything deliberately and leaves out the fluff. Jessica has always amazed me with her ability to downplay any situation. Over-dramatizations have never suited her and she doesn't tolerate them from others either. She likes things clean, and concise, and to the point. A very effective way to communicate. Jessica has a gift for shutting people up. It is something to behold.
Growing up, Jessica tended to avoid drawing attention to herself. She took care of herself and she kept to herself, and she was pretty good at getting away with that without anyone really even noticing. In all of the pictures of the three oldest girls as kids we have very personality-specific expressions on our faces. Kira is the kooky one always coloring (and/or living) outside of the lines, creating her own versions of things. I'm the one with a smile plastered on, trying so hard to look right and do things just the right way. And Jessica is always turned slightly away from the camera with a look of annoyance on her face as if she's saying, "Why are you wasting my time with this, I have better things to do." When we were teenagers I feel like I was a constant annoyance to her with all my talk about the boys I liked and my little dramas with that (probably even more so now than then even, sadly), but she never seemed to have any boy troubles of her own to complain about. While I was off chasing one classmate or another, or bumming myself out because the right boy wasn't chasing me back, Jessica was happily doing her own thing and secretly scoffing at the scene because she already knew that none of them were even worth it, and certainly none of them were good enough for her to get so worked up over.
As we've grown and matured, however, I think we may have at least begun to strike a balance in this if in no other way than our conversation. Jessica teaches me to give up my temper tantrums and just live for real. I feel like she's years smarter than me sometimes and I often forget that we're not the same age, or that she's not actually the older sister. Every time I go away I realize more and more how much I miss her and how close of a friend she really is to me. Despite her desire to cut out the excess, she is such a good listener and always has good advice. She puts up with me in all my shortcomings and somehow manages to make me realize that I have nothing to complain about. That we are sisters, and we are friends, and all the other things in life are going to have their time and then they'll be done. And we'll still be sisters, and we'll still be friends.
Jessica has this effortless sense of style. Even with a wardrobe that is too many years old, she still manages to look exactly how she wants to and get me all green over it. She knows what she likes, she knows what works, and she makes it happen. This may mean trying on fourteen different things before she settles on one outfit, but still. When I'm hanging out with her, I'm pretty much sure it makes me a cooler person. I think I'm always basically trying to be like her, and hoping she won't realize it and call my bluff. She is my role model. My best friend. My confidante. My sister. I love you so much Little Jessica. Kiss kiss!!

Two Lists

Can't Live Without:
Cheese. Any kind, any time of the day (or night).
Diesel: Fuel For Life cologne
Painting my fingernails
Vermilion and navy
Peonies/Poppies/Ranunculus (In that order)
Artistic photography
My new iPod
Jessica's taste in music
Jewelry window shopping
Starbucks hot chocolate in the winter
Tea in the winter
The winter
Watching movies with a pillow or blanket in my lap
Spoon the band
My treadmill
Checking my email multiple times a day. (Hour.. :/)
Singing really loudly in my car
Shoes. How have I not written this already?
Mom's back yard
Apple. Pie.
Ice cream
Bird things
Braxton's deliberately conversational jibber jabber
Thousands of emails with Kira
Honeycrisp apples
BONES (Aka, David Boreneaz being a bad A)
Teaching Brax and Eli how to jam out to the classics
My rocks (Even if they'll make the real thing less surprising)
My yellow bag from Franchesca's (Thank you Collette!)
Handy refrigerated water bottles
My awesome car
Dark chocolate
Date night with Dallon
My super creamy Dove body wash
My red hair
Sisters
Girl time with Meg
Photoshop ha
Hanging out at Kira and Gabe's
Waking up to snow

Makes Me Crazy:
Being hot (Temperature. Yeah.)
Being late
Having old hair color
Being sweaty and/or grimy
Being ambushed by unwanted online chatters
Having my flat ironed hair get wet
Breaking a nail when they all finally match.
Waking up and having to pee so badly that I can't ignore it an hour before I need to be up
Running out of my favorite lip gloss
Being offered anything but Burt's Bees chapstick
Arizona
The A/C blowing only on one concentrated spot
The sun shining directly on me
People using improper grammar
When my car is dirty
When my room is messy
When the rest of the house is messy
Having to drink room temperature water, or water from the tap
When my computer will not recognize my iPod
When Pandora recommends bad R&B songs on my Broadway station
When the shirt or pants I feel like wearing are stretched out and need to be washed
Shaving my legs
Having to shave them again anyway
That my computer shuts off immediately upon being unplugged
When bloggers I like post eleven million things in one day and make me hate them a little bit
When bloggers I like don't post anything for several days
Not being able to fall asleep even if I know I'm super tired
When the Thomas theme song gets stuck in my head
Eli asking to watch Thomas AGAIN
That I'm taller than 95% of the guys in most singles wards
That I can't take a walk outside either
How I feel like my life has a big 'pause' symbol hovering over it
That every new ward tries to get me in with the annoying girl group (Honestly. I would be more likely to stay and enjoy it if I had some good down to earth guy friends.)
That it's almost November and it's still 100 degrees
When I feel a hair tickling me but I can't find it to get it off
When the legs of my pajama pants scootch up to my knees
When I eat a meal and immediately want to throw it up
That I can't throw up even when I want to
That I have more acne now than I ever did in high school

Neuroticism

So by now most of you probably picked up on the fact that I can be a liiiitle neurotic and maybe slightly OCD. I have come to terms with this aspect of my personality, and honestly, usually don't even realize I'm being odd when I am. Nothing I do impedes any other thing from working out naturally, and other than my magical organizational and tidiness powers I really don't think I'm all that crazy at all. However, I have noticed that when I get stressed out for whatever reason, the weird quirks start showing up. One thing in particular that I realized I do is that I cope with anxiety or stress by brushing my teeth. A lot. For extended periods of time. This is my theory behind it: Brushing your teeth is not only soothing in the actual physical sensation of the bristles in your mouth, but also the steady mindlessly repetitive movements your arm makes as you brush. It also feeds into the desire for cleanliness which is tied to control aspect of the situation. I may not be able to control or change the things that are stressing me out, but by darnit I can sure control the plaque inside of my own mouth! Even writing this out, it seems a little.. Well, freakish, that I would have such a strange coping vice. But really, it's not like I'm bawling uncontrollably as I bleach and scrub everything in sight until the varnishes start to wear and there are holes in the appliances. I'm not brushing a dangerous amount. Just, more than normal. At odd times of the day. I have watched a tv show that I happened upon on Hulu once called "Obsessed" which is a documentary type program that focuses on people with severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. One of the women who was on the show also had a scary addiction to brushing her teeth. She had a routine every night that lasted twenty minutes with floss and a Waterpik and the whole nine yards. She was afraid that her teeth were going to fall out and she would be ugly and no one would ever love her. Pretty intense stuff. So even though I'm a little freakish, I'm definitely not that bad. I know I'm lovable! :P Juuuuust, like to brush my teeth right now. ;)

Va-Va-Vacation Time!

Well, the babe is back in QC for the time being, but man oh man was it a great weekend!! I worked on Wednesday until a little after one when Jason got home, after which I promptly grabbed my keys and my phone, popped into my already loaded and prepped car, and made my way to Phoenix to pick up the sister. It's so funny to me how completely different our personalities are in basically every way. I was already a little on edge because I knew the later we left the later we would get to Lehi, and I really wan't into the idea of driving through the wee hours of the night. I was totally in go mode and I was hoping we would just move her bags from the entryway of her apartment to my car and head out, but Kira of course doesn't quite work that way. (Love you Kira!) I was trying oh so hard not to get all worked up and pushy while she finished her last few minutes of housekeeping tasks so that we could just be on our way but I'll admit I was pretty keyed up and anxious to leave. Kira's philosophy is that road trips are lazy time. They should be relaxed and go with the flow and just happen the way they happen. Stop here, stop there, you get there when you get there. While I can see the sense in this (That whole 'the beauty is in the journey' thing.), there's this thing about me called, I-like-to-make-plans-and-schedules-and-if-I-get-behind-on-the-schedule-I-kind-of-freak-out-and-get-hives-a-little-bit. Okay, maybe I don't get hives, but seriously. Anyone who knows me and knows how much I hate being late can probably just assume that even if I'm the one making the schedule you just don't push it. Bad things will happen if you cause me to be late. I understand that this is a perfect textbook example of my mildly neurotic and high strung personality. And I'm okay with that. I like to think of it as a magical get-things-done power! Anyway, I'm over dramatizing the kick-off of this trip. It was really just fine. So after a few short minutes of finishing up the bills and doing a last once over of the apartment, we loaded up the last bags in the car and off we went!

Oh! I should add in here, upon sending out my "I'm leaving the house!" text message updates to the few people I know wanted to get them, I got a call from my good friend Dallon who had some interesting news for me. Apparently the morning we left there were a total of three TORNADOES in Flagstaff, Arizona. First of all, what the heck?? Tornadoes? In Arizona? Really? Dallon said that two of them were really in the outskirts of town but the third one hit right on the Seventeen south of Flag which is right where we would be driving in a few short hours. He looked up exactly what the situation was so that I could determine if it was still safe to drive through (which it was), and I asked him to keep me informed if anything new came up. We had been having some pretty great storms the past night or two before then but I guess Flagstaff just really went all out. Meteorologists reported that several more tornadoes began to form in the clouds within that one to two hour period as well that just didn't touch down. In one city, one hour, the regular quota for tornadoes in ONE YEAR in the entire STATE of Arizona was reached. Crazy stuff folks! Can you say 'The end of days'?? This was definitely surprising and mildly alarming news, but we determined that the threat of some Wizard of Oz freak tragedy occurring wasn't severe enough to push us over to Vegas (Thank goodness, because then we would have been even more behind schedule!) and we just went on our way. Let the adventure begin;)

When Kira and I were preparing for this trip, we both separately put together probably enough food for the both of us to eat over the course of the drive without really realizing it. Needless to say, we were not short on provisions! We snacked and drove and talked and laughed and drank down pleeenty of water. Now, when I make this drive by myself, I usually only stop one time at my regular place in Kanab to gas up and use the bathroom, but with the two of us drinking so much water we were having I-have-to-pee-NOW meltdowns before we even got to Flagstaff! I won't go into too much detail, but let's just suffice it to say that we were both in laughing hysterics as we creeped forty miles.. Thirty miles.. Ten miles to Flagstaff, and finally even exited the Seventeen before we were technically there! I dropped Kira off at the door to the gas station so that she could run to the bathroom and then quickly parked so I could go in as well. When I got into the Womens bathroom though, I noticed that Kira wasn't there. There was, however, a nice girl who saw us show up who kindly let me know, "Umm.. I think that your friend went in the Mens restroom because the stalls were full.." Hahahahaha! (She didn't laugh, I did.) Oh man, I can just imagine what we must have looked like to the poor people of Southern Flagstaff. Racing around the corner to the gas station, pulling right up to the door so hysterical redhead number one could race into the ironically full bathroom before racing right back out and into the Mens, then hysterical redhead number two coming up right behind her into the now empty Womens restroom, which made discovering that her cohort wasn't even there and laughing even harder. When I finished my business and came out to look for Kira she was already toward the front of the little convenience store looking for me. We spotted each other, and she sheepishly said, "I was in the Mens restroom because the other one was full.." I laughed heartily and explained, "Yeah I know! That poor girl already told me!" after which more hearty laughter ensued as we made our way back to the car to keep going.

The rest of the trip went well albeit with several more pit stops than I'm used to, but even so this was the best one yet because Kira and I had such a good time talking and laughing, all enhanced with our growing excitement to finally be home again! We pulled up to Mom's house at about 1:25 AM and quickly brought our things inside before being stampeded by Lucas and Jessica. It was a sweet reunion filled with attack hugs and laughter all the way until four in the morning. Ha. Finally we decided we should all get some sleep and zonked out. It probably goes without saying that we got a good sleep-in the next morning (all but Lucas who had to be at band and school waaay too early in the morning) before lazily getting up and eating breakfast. (Aren't vacations great?) Since Lucas and Sara were at school Mom was at work, us three oldest girls had the house to ourselves for the majority of the day, and we spent it making aprons! Kira and I had purchased material and bias binding beforehand, but we needed Mom's sewing machine to put them together and this was the perfect opportunity. I whipped up my blue and pink bird apron and Kira put together her three kitchen-colored aprons too. All in all, a good project:) That evening my dear friend Meagan came over and put some color in my hair, which I have been in DIRE need of for the past several weeks. We chatted and ate and hung out together and especially got to spend some time outside in the awesome back yard. The weather was PERFECT. Fifties to seventies and wonderfully sprinkly and overcast. 

On Friday morning I drove down to Orem to meet up with another good friend and got some nice herbal tea at Starbucks. There was no way I was going to pass up the opportunity to get some good tea in me with that weather! On the way I even passed through an overpass with a cups-in-the-fence-message that said, "It's over forever Maggie. From Dan." with a little heart next to it. I've seen welcome-homes, I've seen I-love-you's, but never a breakup message! It was quite comical to me. After my breakfast tea and short, but very nice visit, I made my way back home and then went with all the sisters and mother and grandmother to lunch at Olive Garden. Yum! It was so awesome for all of us to be there together and we had a great time eating some delicious food and catching up. (Ps. The Apple Crostata? GET IT. OmgoshDIVINE.) After lunch we went over to Grandma's house because Kira and I had a song we wanted to practice with her remarkable Pramberger baby grand, and also just because we weren't done visiting! That evening I was planning on spending some time with another buddy, but plans fell through and I ended up going to hang out with Jessica at her friends house in stead. She's been hanging out with these guys for a while now so it was cool to go and meet them and even though we didn't do much of anything in particular, it totally got me out of my bummed-out funk. I always had lots of guy friends growing up and through high school, but it's hard to keep track when I keep moving around and now that we're all in school and working and such, so it just felt nice to be around another chill tight knit group. We ended up talking and goofing off until pretty late/early in the morning before we finally decided we should go home and get some sleep. Haven't done that in a while! ;) 

Saturday has always been chore day in the house, and we were planning and preparing for a fun backyard fire/movie night as well so part of the day was spent making sure everything was all cleaned up and presentable. After having all our trip stuff basically exploded all over my room it was very nice to clean it all up and make it look like my room again! I cleaned the bathroom and tidied up a few other rooms in the house and then took a last minute shower before party-goers were scheduled to show up. The last minute thing worked out though, because obviously no one our age ever shows up to a party on time. I felt worlds better after washing my hair again (Isn't it funny how that one little thing can boost your mood so much? Not that I was in a bad mood, I was happy all day, it's just refreshing you know?) and took my time drying and flat ironing and prettying up for the show. We hauled pillows and blankets outside into the back yard as well as set up the projector for the movie to play drive-in style on the side of the house and brought out the roasting sticks for our hot dogs and marshmallows! It started to get dark and people started arriving, a few of whom I had met the night before, but for the most part Jessica was the one doing the big time inviting so it ended up being many new faces and a really good time! We sat around the fire and chatted and ate for a while before finally settling down into the grass and cuddling up in our blankets for the movie. Hocus Pocus! A lot of the guys hadn't seen it before, so it was extra funny with their reactions. I almost forgot how good that one is. We used to watch it over and over and over again as little girls before Mom hid it because she was so sick of watching it! Haha:) When that movie was over most people decided they weren't done hanging out, so we popped in another one. Stranger Than Fiction this time, another favorite. People went home, some fell asleep, and by the end of the movie there were only two or three people outside. The boys were awesome and helped me bring blankets inside before they left since it was so cold, and then I ended up staying up and talking with Mom and Kira inside for a while too. It was an awesome night, definitely just what I needed for this trip!

On Sunday morning I went with Jessica to her singles ward and enjoyed a really good sacrament and testimony meeting before picking Kira up from the family ward building and heading home to load up the car again and head back to AZ. I wish we could have stayed longer, heck, I wish we could have stayed forever! But Kira was missing her Gabe, and of course I had to get back to work this morning bright and early at 6:30 so we needed to leave pretty quickly. It was really neat to see all the landscape on the drive back since it was pretty dark for the last half of our drive up there. We took lots of pictures and talked and laughed and cried and just had a really good sister-bonding time. The only downer of the drive was that apparently every other person on the road was completely OBLIVIOUS to proper driving etiquette! Seriously, I consider myself to be a pretty patient driver. I usually give people the benefit of the doubt. But this was ridiculous!! We encountered chunk after chunk after chunk of cars that were all backed up because of some idiot in the fast lane going five or ten or twenty UNDER the speed limit and preventing anyone from passing the big rigs and cars in the slow lane. Kira and I both did our fair share of yelling at the stupid people (which does in fact make you feel better) and finally we made it into the valley. Incidentally we didn't have to stop half as often for potty breaks since we were much more careful with our liquid intake this time around. Haha:) I dropped Kira off at her place in Phoenix and made my way down to Queen Creek at last. All in all the drive only took ten hours, which is preeetty good if I don't say so myself.

I seriously needed this vacation, and I couldn't have asked for a better one! I am so glad to have such a great family, a mom and sisters who are my BEST friends, and a home town that is such a pleasure to come back to  time and time again. I cannot WAIT for December when I get to go back again, and this time stay for keeps!! I love Lehi. :) *sigh...*

Excitement

Today is Monday. And on Wednesday a wonderful thing is happening. I get to load up my car with a weekend full of bedroom and pick up Kira in Phoenix so that we can road trip up to Lehi! Yay! Words cannot express how much I am looking forward to this. I can already tell it's going to be one of those barely-feel-the-time-passing, over-too-quick trips, and I'm kind of bummed out that it couldn't be a longer vacation, but I am still glad that I was able to get Thursday and Friday off of work so that we can have a nice long weekend. :) Looking forward to some quality girl time with all my sisters and just plain fun time with the awesome little brother too! And it's supposed to be drizzly and breezy and DIVINE the whole time we'll be there so I'm EXTRA stoked. It's been so hot here I don't even know what to do with myself other than stay inside. (Which I'll openly admit is making me go a little stir crazy.) Cannot WAIT to layer on the sweaters and scarves and soak in as much Lehi as I possibly can before we come back on Sunday. Hooray:)

Would You Please?

I hesitate to say I was bait for you
Could that be something that you all would do?
I'd be lying if I did now say I wasn't intrigued
But timing is everything here
And for the moment the 'we' is reprieved
But, as I watch the girl unfold before my eyes,
I discover that I like her

Would you please get our from under my skin
'Cause I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
And you should go

I'm in the dance, and it's a chance,
But stay and watch awhile
I'll be singing a tune just for you with a smile
And maybe, if I'm lucky
You'll tip your hat to me, and you'll discover
That you like her

Would you please get our from under my skin
For I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
And you should go

Crazy as it all plays out
I think I'm lonelier than I've ever been before
'Cause I was so close
To going through that door
But I don't want to be to blame for them
I don't want to be to blame

Would you please get our from under my skin
'Cause I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
And you should go, go, go
Oh, would you please get out
I'm not as strong as I seem, but I won't let you know




-Rachael Yamagata

CRAP

:|

Apple Juice, And an Adventure

Today has been a happy one, a mostly normal one, and also, an adventure.
A few days a week I get to load up my car with two handsome men and drive to the elementary school where Eli has preschool. Today was one of those days, and let me tell you, that in and of itself is an adventure. We have to make sure lunch is eaten and cleaned up in time, then E. gets slathered in sunscreen, backpack checked for stowaways and strapped on, sippy cup filled, socks and shoes on, one last stop in the bathroom, and then into the car seats with both the boys so we can be on our way. All systems were go and we were even a few minutes early, when all of a sudden my car started to sputter and then died. Yep. For only the second time in my life, I had run out of gas. (Ironically, the first time I had two other great kiddos in the back. Coincidence? Bad luck? Why??) Luckily there was a nice stretch of gravel that I was able to pull over into on the side of the road, and after putting on my hazards and taking a deep breath I got out of the car and proceeded to unstrap the little men. After all, we were literally yards from the preschool, and even though it would still take us several minutes to walk there I decided it was best if Eli got to school and then I could figure out the car situation later. A few things to note: I brought along two big gallons of apple juice to deliver to Eli's class, and yes folks, it's still 104 degrees outside. Just so you get a better picture of this in your head. So here I am, the baby on one hip with my wallet and keys wedged between us, two jugs of apple juice in my other hand, and little Eli with his sippy cup and backpack next to me, preparing to cross the street so that we can get to school on time. I'm sure we were quite a sight to the cars driving by. We had been standing there at the side of the road for probably less than a minute and I was waiting for one last truck to pass us so that we could cross, but in stead it pulled over behind me. Alright, I thought, that works too. So I walked back over to the other side of the car so that I could tell whomever these nice people were that I had run out of gas, and we were just going to walk to the school since it was so close. Out of the truck came two guys who looked to be in their early to mid twenties who were on their way to a job site when they saw me and the boys and decided to stop and lend a hand. I said a silent prayer asking Heavenly Father to help me know if the boys and I were going to be safe, and if we should accept a ride from these guys. Even though I was extremely nervous to have Eli strapped in without a car seat, and Brax just riding on my lap, it seemed as if this was our best option, and I did feel the reassurance of the Spirit telling me we would be okay. We first stopped at Eli's school so that he could be on time and we could get rid of the apple juice. While we were waiting for the teachers to unlock the gate, Eli pointed out their church building just across the street. "Look that's my church!" he said. The young man we were with saw that it was an LDS church building and said to me, "I'm LDS too. What ward are you guys in?" I told him that I was just the silly nanny who ran out of gas and that I went to a different singles ward, but the boys went with their family to the ward here. I had a feeling before that we were in good hands, but I felt even better knowing that these men were also members of the church.
After Eli went in to his class, we proceeded to drive to our friendly strangers parents home where he said he knew they had a gas can we could use. The house was literally only two minutes away from us so it was a quick ride. On our way to what I thought would be a gas station so that I could pay to fill up the gas can we stopped back at my car, and I realized when the man lifted it up that it was already full. The guys quickly poured the gas into my car and we were back in business. I told them I hadn't realized they already had the can filled up, and asked if there was anything at all I could do for them, but they said that they didn't need anything and that they were happy to help. I thanked them profusely and then we got back in the car to head home. (Well, to a gas station first to fill up the rest of the way, then home.) I was overwhelmed as we drove away by my gratitude for such a huge blessing. These people stopped to help us mere minutes after I had run out of gas, and just as quickly as they came they were gone. Somehow they already had a filled gas can to use, and their home was just down the road for them to get it. I absolutely believe in miracles, and I believe that this was one of them. I cannot even express in words my love and gratitude to my Father in Heaven for his watchful eye over me and the boys today. Angels are among us, and I got my very own visit. :)

Did You Know...

...That my beautiful mother used to be a freelance seamstress? She made many of our outfits when we were kiddos, and even created a wedding dress or two, not to mention the prom and formal dresses over the years that her daughters have been spoiled with. What a talented lady she is, and how grateful am I to be her daughter and to have inherited her creativity. Today, I long to sew.. I love you, Mom.

I'm a Bird

I'm a bird. I learned to fly very young because I had to and I've been flying ever since. It doesn't take a lot to make me happy, just good food, good friends, and good chirps (laughs). My home is simple, but worth the fiercest protecting because it is my home. I spend my days singing along to anything I can hear, and if I don't know the words I whistle. Sometimes I find that I've flown further from home than I intended to. I may be lost for a while, but somehow I can always find my way back again. If I land on something that pricks, I hop up and keep moving. If I eat something that disagrees with me, I buck up and get through it and then remember not to eat it again. I take care to stay preened and groomed. I value cleanliness, and love a good bath. I'm attracted to all things sparkly, and while I often can't obtain them, I still find happiness in the looking. I was lovingly raised by a mother who sacrificed what she had to give me a good chance at life, and one who now knows that because of it I'm strong enough to make it on my own (Though I still sometimes return to the nest for the pleasure of her company and assistance). I am not a particularly high maintenance creature because I do the maintaining myself, but of course I won't pass up the sweet gesture of a handful of crumbs thrown my way. I can sometimes be a gossip, though without malice. I like to wake up to the sun, and start my day with a song. I am loyal to a fault to those I care for and will defend my family against any foe. I'll stop moving for a while when it rains, but only so that I can soak in the peace and the taste of it in the air. I am uncomfortable to be on the ground where I can't see all that's going on around me. I don't like to be taken by surprise, and I'll react quickly when I'm startled. I'm happiest when the spring blooms cover the soft earth and I can feel the suns rays reflecting back up at me in technicolor. I have a small window of comfort when it comes to the temperature. Too hot and I'll lose my wits. Too cold and I'll just want to sleep. When the time comes that I choose a partner, I'll fiercely and affectionately stay by his side and expect nothing less of him. Always. I'll be pleasantly, simply, me all of my life. And then when my time on this earth is done, I'll quietly slip away and find some other bright corner of the universe to whistle about.

Happiness

I am happy the first time of the year that I can see my breath.
I am happy when I get to have Sunday dinner at the Lawlor's.
I am happy to have extraordinary sisters, whom I love.
I am happy with my body.
I am happy to work with such great little boys, and their great parents.
I am happy when the numbers on the scale haven't gone up.
I am happy in Lehi, UT.
I am happy when the cottonwood trees rain down little white fluffs in the Summer.
I am happy to have such a great car.
I am happy to have been blessed with so many fun talents.
I am happy when it rains.
I am happy when it snows real slow.
I am happy in my Singles ward.
I am happy that I can be me and still feel beautiful.
I am happy to have such good friends.
I am happy with my choices.
I am happy to have so much potential before me.
I am happy when I get to have freshly manicured nails and colored hair.
I am happy with my Chuck.
I am happy that my hair will grow back.
I am happy that I met Meagan Berry.
I am happy they invented Midol.
I am happy to be healthy.
I am happy for adventures, like the moose one.
I am happy for memories of my Daddy.
I am happy to have had a simple, fun childhood.
I am happy when I cook with Kira.
I am happy when I play the piano.
I am happy on clear skin days.
I am happy that Ross and Rachel finally got together.
I am happy that Jessica finished hair school like I didn't, and she can do awesome things to my hair now.
I am happy playing Scrabble with Neil.
I am happy that my bedroom turned out so well.
I am happy after a really good workout.
I am happy that I was so successful with my New Years weight loss resolution.
I am happy to have loved and lost.
I am happy to be artistic.
I am happy my family is mine.
I am happy when I choose happiness.

What makes you happy?

Fireworks

You know how some people talk about love, and finding the person you're supposed to be with, and how it should feel like such a punch-in-the-gut magical unmistakable thing? They say "You'll see fireworks!" But really? What does that mean? Think about it. Fireworks are great. They're colorful and vibrant and sparkling explosions of entertainment and often nostalgia. That little pop and fizz when they shoot out of the ground, and then the big BOOM! that shakes you to your core and makes you have to catch your breath. That's my favorite part. But then, after the big bang, all the bright little glowing sparks fall to the ground and fade and die out and all that's left of the magic is the shadow of an outline in the sky. The smoke may be lit up again for a brief moment when another firework goes off, but eventually the wind blows even those remnants away and by morning there's no reminder at all.Why on earth would anyone want to tie these two things together? Love should be much much more than this. Love should be tangible. Physical. You should be able to hold it in your hand. You should be able to see it with your eyes. You should be able to just look at it and know that it is love. It is. Love. If only it were that easy....

I think that my problem is this: I hear that pop and the fizz as the promise of love rises into the sky. I anticipate the wonder I know is coming, that telltale boom I'll feel deep inside my chest. And then I expect it to last forever. I expect it to be magic and to stay magic, and I forget that I can't rely on the fickle fireworks. I forget that just because there's a shower of glowing color and light, it doesn't mean that it's real. It doesn't mean it will last. It doesn't mean it's love. Lately I've begun to question my ability to even interpret my own feelings. I don't trust myself to know myself. I don't trust myself to not get carried away and build up my expectations for something that always just ends up fading and blowing away in the night breeze. I'm like the girl who cried wolf, except I'm the girl who cried love. I've been so sure so many times, and have been so wrong that even I can't take myself seriously any more. I certainly don't expect anyone else to take me seriously. I understand that this may be how it's supposed to work. We're supposed to fall in and out of love. We're supposed to take chances and make mistakes, and eventually, if we're paying attention, we'll take a chance that actually pans out. And everything we experience before it will have served to make us all that much more sure that we've really done it right this time. We will be stronger knowing that we've been wrong in the past, so the future can just be right.

Well right now, I'm just wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong. So here's to being wrong. Here's to falling, and crashing hard. Here's to not knowing what I want, and if I'd even recognize it if I found it. Here's to keeping my mouth shut for once. Here's to fireworks....

Iwanttogohome.

I Just Haven't Met You Yet

I Believe...

...That you can't Photoshop personality
That sisters are the best kind of friends
That The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is true
That love makes the world go 'round
That Winter should have snow - lots of it
That housepets may be overrated
In pink
That scary movies are only fun with a buddy
That picnics are just the right thing to do with a Spring afternoon
In kissing - kissing a lot
That dancing should be done by all, often
That singing is therapy
In pedicures
In living within your means
In swimming at night
That Audrey Hepburn was the smartest lady of her century
That children are sometimes smarter than adults
In service
In taking pictures at every moment possible
In miracles
That rain is magic
That happiness equals beauty
In drinking lots of water every day
That school shouldn't start until after Labor Day
That soft drinks are poison (but so tasty)
That you can never have too many pairs of heels
In breathing deeply
In brick houses
That dark and handsome isn't as important as tall
That reading boosts intellect at any age
In going barefoot as often as possible
That Saturday nights are for watching movies with your main squeeze
That Sunday nights are for playing games with the family
In grassy yards
In long long hugs
That weekly tabloid magazines at the grocery checkout are like the adult version of the Sunday comics
In taking walks often
That Lehi, Utah is the happiest place on earth
In open windows and ceiling fans
In going to the temple
In being prepared
That laughter is the best medicine
That occasional indulgence is a necessary part of healthy living
In prayer
That being a mother will be a wonderful adventure
In honesty and loyalty and integrity
In making plans and sticking to them
In falling in love as slowly or as quickly as you like
That crying is healthy
That I can do whatever I set my mind to
In taking your time
In Post-It notes
In sleep
In popsicles
That cleanliness is in fact next to Godliness
That chocolate is a girls best friend
That freshly vacuumed carpet is ohso pleasant
In spooning
In big closets
In choosing to be happy
That Paris is for lovers


:)

Cracks

“Maybe its like you said before, all of us being cracked open. Like each of us starts out as a watertight vessel. And then things happen - these people leave us, or don’t love us, or don’t get us, or we don’t get them, and we lose and fail and hurt one another. And the vessel starts to crack in places. And I mean, yeah once the vessel cracks open, the end becomes inevitable. Once it starts to rain inside the Osprey, it will never be remodeled. But there is all this time between when the cracks start to open up and when we finally fall apart. And its only that time that we see one another, because we see out of ourselves through our cracks and into others through theirs. When did we see each other face to face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade, but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out.”

Be COOL

Tonight I find myself wanting to be super artsy and abstract. And surprisingly, super thin. (Don't flip out, I love my body. I do not long to weigh 112lbs. It has nothing to do with the appeal of being skinny. It's all about the art man!) And I keep making parenthetical statements! But you guys. Seriously. I'm like, in this mood where I just want to take a $1,400 camera, and put all my hair in my face, and take a bunch of pictures with a straight face, or put a bag over my head, or bend over all funky and modely-posey and then do cool artsy things to them and wash them out and layer them and just waaah. Be COOL. You know?? Don't you ever want to be cool?? ((WHY?))

Clone Me, Quick

Well. The time has come. I'm here in Queen Creek all settled in to my room upstairs (By specifying that I am upstairs, you should gather that it is about ten degrees hotter than downstairs.) and have just completed my first full day back after the summer. (Eleven and three quarters of an hour, thank you very much, I am super nanny.) It was full of ups (on the chairs and counters) and downs (of the melt variety). The boys got so big over the summer! Especially the baby. I'm going to get really buff carrying that one and a half year old around:) I'm still getting used to being here in Arizona again. I just can't seem to leave this place, as hard as I try. I feel like I'm never quite clean.. Always sweaty and stinky. Even if I'm not. And I can barely sleep at night because it's so hot up here in my room. But I sure am so grateful for Sarah and Jason and all the things they're doing for me to make me feel at home, and to make it worth it for me to be here. They started campaigning for me to stay longer than just til December the second I walked in the door, but I'm still not convinced it's the best thing for me to do. I mean, I love my work. I love these boys. And Sarah and Jason are more than just my employers, they're my friends. They've made it very clear that they'll do whatever it takes to keep me here (Even to the point of encouraging me to bring dates and friends over in the hopes that I'll fall in love with someone here and stay for them..) and part of me wants to just make it easier on them and do it. I know it's hard for kids to get to know a nanny or caretaker and then have to start over with someone else. But the reality of it is, I can't just keep my life in limbo forever. I can't keep going back and forth and never really settle in anywhere. The argument on this one is that Jason only has one year of school left, and then he'll be interning and working full time, so they won't be sending me home for the summer anymore. But still. I prayed about this. I thought about it and prayed about it. And as much as I love this job, as incredible as the pay is and the perks are, it's just not home. I'm not home here. I miss Lehi. And I miss the opportunities I'm sure I have there. I want to go to art school. I want to date, and find someone to share my life with. I want to find a steady job that's just as good as this one that won't stress me out to the point of tears and debt during summer vacation. I want to be near my family. I want to move beyond just working and actually do something with my life.. And I feel like being in Arizona will keep me from doing that because I'm so resistant to putting down roots here any more than I already have. *Sigh*

I feel like this is the exact same post I already wrote the last time I broached this subject. I'm so torn. I know what I need to do, but it's so much easier said than done. I have love and loyalty and respect for the Linmans, but I also need to love myself. If anyone has any advice on how to break up with a whole family who has been doing you huge favors since day one, please, send it my way. Or a cloning device. That would actually be pretty great too.

LOVE, Danielle

Dear new bedroom,
You are happy and pleasant to be in. Thank you for turning out just how I imagined. Good team work.

Dear Little Brother,
We didn't really party down like you said we needed to before I leave in the morning, but I sat next to you at the computer while you Facebooked for a while, and that was like a party too. :) I'm going to miss you. You're the best.

Dear stack of records on my chair,
We need to get you boys a player! Keep reminding me. You've been silent for far too long.

Dear crickets outside,
You sound like summer. But why do you have to be so annoying? Please keep it down a few notches so that I can keep the window open to feel the sweet chilly nighttime breeze one last time before I go away.

Dear car,
You are just what a girl needs, and you have a booty. (Good thinking, designers of the '08 Grand Prix.) I'm sure glad I have you to load up all my things and make the long road trip in. What would I do without you?

Dear toes,
You are sorely in need of a pedicure. This must be remedied soon. Keep reminding me, just not in the middle of the night when I need to sleep and cannot put freshly painted toes in my sheets.

Dear boys in Arizona,
I'm coming to see and watch you this weekend after a long summer, and I am so excited! It will be hard to be away from home, but you light up my life with your unexpected quirks and funny little-boy-logic, and I will be sad to leave you again in December.

Dear waist,
You are looking teeny and ladylike. Keep up the good work! (And please encourage the other body parts to get with the program.)

Dear FRIENDS,
I have now finished watching all of your episodes, and after crying my way through the finale feel like I am a better person for having accomplished this. Ross and Rachel, I told you to stop being stupid. See, look how happy you are now:)

Dear books that Ryan recommended,
Very soon, I will check you out from the library. I love the library. It smells divine.

Dear upper lip,
A few days ago I waxed all the tiny invisible hairs off of you for the first time, and it was a painful, yet gratifying right of passage. You didn't even break out either, so double high five on that one!

Dear Abby Moses the small dog,
You have hurt your leg, and even though you are stinky and sometimes rub your wet bits on my toes, I actually find myself feeling so sad for you. I am sorry for always calling you so many mean names. You are a good little pup, and I think we'll keep you around. Please get better soon so that I can stop carrying your poor sad self up and down the stairs.

Dear Dad,
Next week is your birthday, and even though we haven't spoken since Junior year, I want you to know that I love you and think of you often, and I will be sending you a card.

Dear Arizona Summer,
Would it be too much for me to ask that you keep it under 100 degrees when I get there? Please? Pretty, pretty please with a cherry on top? This is my one magical wish... *sigh*

Dear piano playing fingers,
You are out of shape my friends! One of these days we're going to play all the way through Muzio Clementi's Sonatina in D Major with no mistakes. And we're taking all the repeats too!

LOVE, Danielle

Hiking is Fun, and, A Moose

Tonight at about 9:00 Meagan and Jessica and I headed out to AF canyon to hike the Timpanookie trail, just because we felt like it, and it was too hot to do it during the day. Now, I have NEVER been a hiker. I've never enjoyed it, and actually have had a pretty huge and intense aversion to it in the past. Here is why: Hiking = Sunburn, hot and sweaty and nasty (not the good kind), being surrounded by ugly scratchy poky non-vegetation, getting dusty dirt in my nooks and crannies and bits, being outside in the sun (pure evil), being sore and exhausted (not the good kind), and not actually accomplishing anything at all. BUT. Since moving to Utah, I have discovered that hiking was actually not invented by the devil himself!! It's true folks! You can go hiking, and be, like, in pretty alive nature! You can go hiking where there is shade, and running water, and trees and flowers! You can go hiking for... FUN!

Before I got my heart surgery, hiking seemed like a double feat, because my lungs simply couldn't take the stress. But even after then I never really liked the idea of hiking. So I am very grateful to my dear friend Meagan for opening me up to the world of hiking again and showing me that I can actually really enjoy it. Showing me that I can actually do it. I've always been the kind of girl who finishes what she starts. It makes me itchy if I have to stop a project halfway through, or if I can't see something I'm doing all the way to the end to make sure that it has been done right. If I know that I won't be able to finish something in the way that I would like to, I don't even start it. This trait has sometimes been a fault, especially when it came to school work. Even if I was BS-ing something, it had to be expertly BS-ed, or I wouldn't turn it in. Anyway, tangent. Back to hiking. SO, a few months ago when Meagan forced me to go hiking with her and I agreed, I figured that I would at least get a good work out, and I knew I can always use one of those, and that I would be just fine when it was over and would probably still be alive. She assured me that the trail we were taking was only about two miles up (I had gone longer on my treadmill) and that the majority of it would be nicely shaded and possibly even chilly. Little did I know that when we got to that plateau I'd feel like a million bucks! The hike was so enjoyable, and I decided right then and there that I would like to do that sort of thing more often. It made me love Utah even more for it's beautiful mountains and waterfalls and green stuff! And that is the story of why I wanted to go hiking.

So last night, we ended up going to the same place that Meg first took me to on Mount Timp. We strapped our little lights onto our foreheads and headed up the trail. As we were plugging along along and chatting, Meagan mentioned that her mother had been up this trail not long ago and that they had seen a big moose close to the end of where we planned to hike. We joked around a bit about it and talked about how even though moose (Mooses? Meese? Moosen? Jk:) don't have big sharp claws or teeth like bears, they can be preeetty big, and have their giant antlers and hooves to smush people with. We got ourselves sufficiently psyched out, then basically just laughed it off and continued up the trail. Our plan was to at least get to Scout Falls before turning back, because it was getting pretty late, and we all had things to do in the morning. I felt like I could be okay with not going all the way to the plateau because if we said that the falls was the end of our hike, I could still feel accomplished if I made it there. Well, we were getting pretty close to the falls and kept weaving up the switchbacks over the water running down the mountain, and Jessica kept saying things like, "You know, it would be okay if we went back now. ... I think we should just be done, we keep having to walk through all this slippery water, and it's dark and hard to see. ... I don't know if we should go much further, it's getting to be a pretty tricky trail, and we don't want to get hurt." (I've paraphrased a little, but this was the gist of it.) Of course Jessica wasn't just trying to cop out of the hike early. She had legitimate concern for our wellbeing, and her shoes. But me being the finisher I am, ignored her warnings and continued on the trail. After the fact, it seems pretty obvious that Jessica was absolutely right. She had a feeling that we should turn around, and in stead of listening we ignored it and kept going. Closer, and closer to....

ATTACK!!!! Just kidding, we weren't attacked, but OH MY GOODNESS. Ahead of us on the trail, I heard a branch snap. These thoughts entered my head: Oh my gosh it's a moose! No, there's no way it's a moose, I'm probably just hearing things, or it's a much smaller less dangerous animal that will be much more afraid of us than we are of it. Maybe it's some kind of bird, I hear rustling above my head... These words actually came out of my mouth: "You guys it's a MOOSE!! No, I'm just kidding, ha ha. I just heard something move a little ways in front of us, but it's probably just something small. Let's keep going." And then... BAM. I saw it. a glowing point in the brush in front of us, just a teeny bit off the trail, and about a foot above the level of my head. We had discussed a little earlier that if we did indeed encounter a moose, or any other sort of animal, we would probably see a set of glowing eyes before any other part of it. I was only seeing one glowing supposed eye, but I did stop dead in my tracks to be sure. And then, out came the other glowing eye, I'd say about fifteen or so inches apart from the first. In an instant, all the blood drained from my face and my heart dropped to the bottom of my stomach. I was looking at what was surely a HUGE animal, approximately TEN FEET in front of me! Then came the antlers. Right into our trail. It only took a split second for me to shout to the other girls, "IT'S REALLY A MOOSE! HURRY, RUN!"

We started running back down the rocky trail shouting loudly and clapping our hands and trying not to slip and fall over the wet bits of ground. The last little ways we had hiked was going back and forth over the runoff of the falls so there was a decent amount of slippery wet ground. Surprisingly we made it quite a ways to the last big crossover with no one falling down as we hurried away from the moose, but then as I went to jump from a rock in the stream to the ground beyond, my foot landed right on... Nothing! I thought I was aiming for the driest bit of trail, when in fact there was no trail there at all! My right leg slid down through the brush to the side while my left leg folded under me to catch my fall. I got a nice looking scrape on my left knee and some cool mud splats, but we were still running from that moose! So up I jumped and on we went. The further away from the falls we got the less scary it seemed, but I was still SO relieved when we got back to the car. Safe and sound! (And with some cool battle scars to show for our adventure!)

So this is the lesson: Hiking is fun! And also, if your friend tells you there is a big moose in the woods that you are hiking into at night, and then your sister has a feeling you should turn around, listen to them! Or you might just meet a big moose, and almost fall off a mountain.

The end.