No thanks, no more, no love
I'm done, I've had enough
You're going off with her
And I wish I was
But there's another can be
Just because
Alright, be on your way
The kindest thing to say
Is not that you have fallen for me
Say you'll come back to my arms
Again someday
Baby write some words about
How you can't shut me out
How you must find a way
To see me one more time
One more time
Please, call up all your friends
And tell them it can't end
You don't know what you'd do
If you lost her
And lost me too
That's fine, that's good that's nice
I understand the price
The cost of craving dark in stead of light
I flip a coin to see if you still care tonight
My blood, my hand, my soul
I've thrown them onto you without control
The things I'd freely give, you stole
And now I'm left in pieces
Baby tell the world about me
The way you won me over
In a city you can't remember
You think it was September
Sweet September
Oh baby, oh it's alright
I know she needs you more than I do
And I wouldn't win this fight
But there's one thing that you've got to do
You've got to tell the world about the girl you once knew
Oh she wasn't meant to be
But you fell so very deeply in love
With me
To all the girls he's loved
To all the girls he's loved
Came home from work today to discover that my iPod had somehow been impaled. I now have a lovely radiating shatter design coming from the home button at the bottom. Not happy about this.
After seven long weeks of absence, a particular Aunt came to visit today. Needless to say the built up hormones are superbly overwhelming. Grateful for the innate comfort of the fetal position.
Mom is out with the hub. Jessica is out with the man. Lucas is out with the drama department (rehearsing their play). Sara is out babysitting. And I am home with a bag of shrimp and four garlic/grilled/Greek/scampi recipes to mix and match. (Thumbs up, yo.)
Not in a bad mood at all, just off today. Going to cook up my prawns and watch that musical episode of Grey's Anatomy. I'm chuckling in my head already just thinking about it. Who's idea?? Really? Love it.
--> On a side note, apparently my grammar suffers when I'm all lady-indisposed like this. Been speaking and writing in incomplete sentences all day. Meh. *shrugs*
---> On another totally unrelated side note, those pups up there? Yeah. That's totally my expression right now. I'm so funny. Heh. Heh heh.
That's right. Another grainy picture of a bunch of deer in the forest. What IS it about these guys that makes me so giddy? I seriously just think these images are so magical and surreal. Camping trip anyone? Let's take my camera for a ride. Nothing but chapstick and high hopes. <3
If anyone is curious what I meant about following all The Rules in my "Twenty-One" post, here's a little intro for you. I highly recommend that all you ladies out there pick yourself up a copy of Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneiders' book. Boys, put that curiosity back in your pocket. You don't have to know why, you just have to appreciate. And ask the girls out! (We like that.)
"Being a creature unlike any other is a state of mind. You don't have to be rich, beautiful, or exceptionally smart to feel this way about yourself. And you don't have to be born with this feeling either, It can be learned, practiced, and mastered, like all the other rules in this book.
Being a creature unlike any other is really an attitude, a sense of confidence and radiance that permeates your being from head to toe. It's the way you smile (you light up the room), pause in between sentences (you don't babble on and on out of nervousness), listen (attentively), look (demurely, never stare), breathe (slowly), stand (straight), and walk (briskly with your shoulders back).
It doesn't matter if you're not a beauty queen, that you never finished college, or that you don't keep up with current events. You still think you're enough! You have more confidence than women with MBAs or money in the bank, You don't grovel. You're not desperate or anxious. You don't date men who don't want you. You trust in the abundance and goodness of the universe: if not him, someone better, you say. You don't settle. You don't chase anyone. You don't use sex to make men love you. You believe in love and marriage. You're not cynical. You don't go to pieces when a relationship doesn't work out. In stead, you get a manicure and you go out on another date or to a singles dance. You're an optimist. You brush away a tear so that it doesn't smudge your makeup and you move on! Of course, that is not be how you really feel. This is how you pretend you feel until it feels real."
When I made my list of twenty-one goals for this year I added the "do things alone" line almost just because I wanted to be done already, and it seemed like an easy enough thing to accomplish. I am a very independent person. I like taking care of my own life and don't often, if ever, ask for assistance in doing it. I enjoy being able to call the shots and make the schedule. I do things for myself because I can, and should, and right now the life I'm building is about me. Where I work, go to school, spend my free time, it's all about what's best for me right now. Isn't that nice? :) However, I also very much enjoy my social life and spend a great deal of time with other people. I like to make plans for the weekends and like so many others consider it a let down if I end up just sitting at home on a Friday night. But I have been known to decline invitations to events if I don't have someone to come with me I know I can stick with, even if we go around socializing with other people the whole night anyway. I've decided that this is silly. Why do I need to have someone else with me to go out and have a good time? Thus, my resolution. No more saying no to solo. I've practiced a couple of times already and find that while I've been uncomfortable at first, it's actually a really great feeling. I know I'm capable of doing things on my own, now I just need to embrace it.
I came across this video incidentally that talks about this very thing. It is beautiful, and really moving in a make-you-think kind of way, because a lot of people are afraid of being alone. So here's to being brave and breaking out of the norm. Enjoy.
"If you are at first lonely, be patient.
If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren’t okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it.
We can start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library, where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books; you’re not supposed to talk much anyway so it’s safe there.
There is also the gym, if you’re shy, you can hang out with yourself and mirrors, you can put headphones in.
Then there’s public transportation, because we all gotta go places.
And there’s prayer and mediation, no one will think less if your hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.
Start simple. Things you may have previously avoided based on your avoid being alone principles.
The lunch counter, where you will be surrounded by “chow downers”, employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town, and they, like you, will be alone.
Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.
When you are comfortable with “eat lunch and run”, take yourself out for dinner; a restaurant with linen and silverware. You’re no less an intriguing person when you are eating solo desert and cleaning the whip cream from the dish with your finger. In fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.
Go to the movies. Where it’s dark and soothing, alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.
And then take yourself out dancing, to a club where no one knows you, stand on the outside of the floor until the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one’s watching because they’re probably not. And if they are, assume it is with best human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats, is after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you’re sweating. And beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things. Down your back, like a book of blessings.
Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you. Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there are always statues to talk to, and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute, and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversation you get in by sitting alone on benches might have never happened had you not been there by yourself. Society is afraid of alone though. Like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements. Like people must have problems if after awhile nobody is dating them.
But lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless, and lonely is healing if you make it.
You can stand swathed by groups and mobs or hands with your partner, look both further and farther in the endless quest for company.
But no one is in your head. And by the time you translate your thoughts an essence of them maybe lost or perhaps it is just kept. Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those “sappy slogans” from pre-school over to high school groaning, we’re tokens for holding the lonely at bay.
Cause if you’re happy in your head, then solitude is blessed, and alone is okay.
It’s okay if no one believes like you, all experiences unique, no one has the same synapses, can’t think like you, for this be relived, keeps things interesting, life’s magic things in reach, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t connected, and the community is not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it.
Take silence and respect it.
If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it, if your family doesn’t get you or a religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it.
You could be in an instant surrounded if you need it.
If your heart is bleeding, make the best of it.
There is heat in freezing, be a testament."
Today I am playing hooky and skipping a class that I really don't feel the need to be in. I know that's really not something to brag about, and certainly not the most responsible thing to do, but there you have it. Today is work from home day. I'm sitting here in my comfy workout pants at this beautiful giant desk wearing about eighty-nine-percent less makeup than I usually do, the windows are open, and it is a gorgeous day! I'm not feeling particularly lazy; I still want to be up and doing things, and there are certainly things to be done, but they're going to be take care of my life type things in stead of being in class for four hours working on a final that I can do just as well at home, things.
In other news! I LOVE TO COOK. On Saturday I hosted "Chinese Night" here and had a great time cooking up some yummy kung pow shrimp with rice noodles, crab and cilantro won tons, pork won tons, and this to die for dark chocolate cake, the recipe for which I found at the delightful Love & Olive Oil blog. I really wish I had taken a picture of the finished cake before the many, many hungry mouths devoured it. I'll be sure to snap one next time. In the original recipe the batter is intended to be made into cupcakes, but I am really just not a cupcake girl. I feel like there is so much more creative liberty when presenting a full cake. For this one I baked the batter in a square nine by nine inch pan, then cut it in half and arranged the two pieces lengthwise on a long rectangular ceramic dish. I then piped on the (amazingly delicious fudge-like) icing with a basketweave tip width-wise so there was a line-textured layer of it over the whole top of the cake. (Also because I left the icing pretty thick and it would have destroyed the cake had I attempted to just spread it on.) Finally, just because I felt like it, I drizzled pretty little criss-crossing lines of caramel sauce over the whole thing so it would feel finished, and to go with the hint of caramel flavor in the icing. I served the cake with vanilla fudge swirl ice cream to balance out the rich density of the chocolate as well, but it can definitely stand on its own. This is one decadent chocolate cake.
Also, just a hint, I already had cocoa powder stocked in the pantry and didn't want to go out and buy the special dark cocoa powder the recipe calls for, so I simply doubled the amounts of cocoa in the recipe, both for the cake and the icing. This is a general substitution you can use when you want to up the intensity of your chocolate in any recipe, but I'll admit I've never used the special dark cocoa, so I really couldn't say if it is a true equivalent in flavor. I can tell you that my version probably makes the batter a little thicker simply because there's a higher volume of dry ingredients to the wet ones, but I'll probably keep making this cake just how I did. It really turned out very well. Here's the recipe exactly as it appears on the Olive Oil blog. Enjoy! I sure did. :)
Black & Gold Dark Chocolate Caramel Cupcakes
Makes 12 cupcakes.
INGREDIENTS:
1 cup coconut milk
1/3 cup canola oil
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
3/4 cup sugar
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/3 cup special dark cocoa powder
3/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
Frosting:
1/2 cup (1 stick) butter or margarine, room temperature
1/3 cup special dark cocoa powder
2 cups confectioners' sugar
2 tablespoons milk or soymilk
2 tablespoons caramel topping
DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line muffin pan with paper liners.
Whisk together the coconut milk, sugar, oil, and vanilla extract and beat till foamy. In a separate bowl, sift together the flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. Add to wet ingredients and beat until no lumps remain (or very few remain).
Pour into liners, filling each with 1/4 cup of batter. Optionally add a dollop of caramel sauce to each cup. Bake 18-22 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean. Transfer to a cooling rack and let cool completely.
For frosting, cream butter until smooth and fluffy, 2-3 minutes. Add cocoa powder and beat until incorporated. Add 1 tablespoon soymilk and mix to combine. Add confectioners' sugar 1/2 cup at a time and mix until light and fluffy, 3-5 minutes total. Add caramel topping and mix well. If frosting is too thick, add more soymilk and beat until fluffy. If frosting is too soft, add more sugar and again, beat until fluffy. You want the frosting to keep it's shape when piped on to the cupcake, but still fluffy enough that it stays light and soft when eaten. Top with a drizzle of caramel sauce if desired.
Tonight I've been working on a project for my Color Theory class in which I have to find and classify several images based on their various color concepts, and then present to the class my thoughts on why certain colors were selected and how they influence the overall idea of the piece. I am already in love with this class, but I am especially in love with this assignment. I love that not only am I really starting to recognize these classifications right off the bat, but I am also, out of necessity, discovering some really great work by very talented artists and designers out there on the big bad web. I have an album attached to my Facebook page with many of the pictures I really like and find inspiration in, but I wanted to also share a few of them here just because I'm on a serious visual-design-stimulation kick at the moment and needed a quick little five minute break before I finish this sucker up. Mazel tov!
Ps. Did you know that mazel tov actually means good luck? Doesn't make any sense whatsoever the way I used it. But I don't care. Mazel tov!
I happened upon a pretty neat idea in blog land some time ago and decided that I'd like to take a shot at it. I was supposed to write up a list of goals to match my age that I wanted to, and thought I realistically could accomplish before my next birthday. Since I found the idea several months before my birthday, however, the project went on the back burner, and it wasn't until recently that I was reminded of it and realized my January birthday had come and gone with no goal setting! I really like the idea of having yearly goals set on your birthday in stead of New Years; it makes you think a little harder about it and choose things that are more personal in stead of the old standbys. I also think that people tend to make such grandiose resolutions thinking that surely a whole year is long enough to accomplish them, only to have the end of the year roll around and to not have actually followed through. This idea calls for several small scale goals to be accomplished one by one throughout the year. They're less intimidating, so we're more likely to actually do them. My birthday happens to only be a week and a half into January, so I guess I am a little closer to the New Year resolution bunch, but I'm still giving myself until January 11th to accomplish my twenty-one goals before I'm twenty-two. :)
1. Get under two-hundred (Thirty five pounds last year was a good start, but I'm finishing this sucker!)
2. Start a choir in my singles branch
3. Finish reading through the Book of Mormon (I always seem to get hung up in Alma. Why is that?)
4. Write Meagan on her mission (She leaves April 6th. I think I miss her already.)
5. Get into those fourteens! (Aren't great looking incentive jeans just so bittersweet?)
6. Set up the rest of my desk (What with all this art happening in my life I needed an upgrade!)
7. Have a Harry Potter marathon (Totally serious about this. Who's in??)
8. Have at least $800 in savings (Half way to my new computer!)
9. Stick to The Rules (Ladies, you will appreciate this one: "All The Rules" by Ellen Fein & Sherrie Schneider)
10. Do something for the first time
11. Visit Kira and Gabe in Phoenix (These withdrawals started the moment I drove away...)
12. Make some more seasonal aprons (At least a head start on the one-for-every-holiday project!)
13. Learn how to really use Photo Shop. (It's a good thing I'm going to art school, huh?)
14. Spend more quality time with Sara (Sara, the younger. A good sister. :)
15. Stick to the No Complaining policy (Who needs it??)
16. Eat more vegetables (Kira, you are my inspiration)
17. Learn Spanish! (Starting with my class next quarter)
18. Totally Pay off the credit card (Less than two hundred bucks worth of gas shouldn't be too difficult)
19. Walk more outside (Can't wait for it to be warm enough to make good use of that track across the street)
20. Eat breakfast every day
21. Learn to do things alone - Happily (No more staying home because I don't have a buddy!)
What are your goals? I know someone has to have a birthday coming up. And even if you don't, you can get a head start thinking of what you want to put on your list. I didn't realize how much I'd have to think about it but twenty-one ended up being quite the undertaking! I think it will get easier with practice though. And now that I've got it in my brain so I won't start almost two months late next time!
So the other day I happened upon an article that began, "Grammar Nazis are so last century. Welcome, friends, to the brave new world of the Typography Nazi." HA! Hahaha! It then went into detail about the proper use of prime quotes, sixty-six and ninety-nine quotes, a proper ellipses, the fourteen different kinds of hyphens (exaggeration, obviously), brackets, and on and on. I have to tell you... I was seriously geeking out over it!! I've always been a little off the wall when it came to grammar, although admittedly far from perfect myself, but now with this new world of graphic design before me I am learning all about a WORLD of new things to be neurotic about! It's magical!!! Magical enough for me to be using multiple exclamation points at the ends of my sentences! (That's a no no.) ALSO, another thing that I've had issue with for some time even before I discovered the magical land of typography is the flagrant and just disrespectful misuse of the font Comic Sans. I could go on about this one for some time, but I'll save all you non-typographers the headache and just say this: STOP USING COMIC SANS. Just stop. Please. It's just wrong. WRONG. (I'm smiling gleefully right now. This stuff just gets me right in the warm-fuzzy insides.)
The POINT! Is that I am LOVING school. Or more specifically, I am LOVING my major! School is hard. It's kicking my trash on a regular basis. And I'm not going to lie to you, I really really dislike my drawing classes. Ironic, I know, but that's okay because these are core classes that I will be finished with in five short weeks, and then it will be on to more design. Yay! I find myself to be in particularly positive moods lately. I did the whole influenza thing. I can't afford school. I'm not working enough. I have unfinished homework up to my eyeballs. I'm single again. My hair needs some fresh color. But in light of everything, I'm still happy. Whenever another thing comes up that would or maybe should get me down, I just say to myself, you know what? It's okay. It's really okay! I'm okay, and it's going to be okay, and everything is all just okay. And I smile. And I move on. It's remarkably freeing to just choose to be happy, come what may. Yesterday I signed up for my classes for next quarter. I talked with a financial person first and we decided that unfortunately, in order for me to not be scratching my eyeballs out trying to pay tuition every month, I needed to lower my credit load from thirteen plus/minus per quarter to seven plus/minus per quarter. This is a little disheartening, as I'm the kind of person whom, when she decides to do something, just buckles down and does it, hard, fast, until it's done. I'm not a moseyer. I don't like to work little by little and let myself get distracted. It's one thing, BAM, until it's done. And then the next thing. Etcetera, etcetera. So of course I struggle with the idea that it will essentially take me twice as long to finish my degree, and that I'll really only be in class for eight hours total each week. BUT on the plus side, That means that I won't be drowning in homework, I'll have more hours available to me to work and therefore will be making more money, and my monthly tuition payments will stop making me cry. :) So no, this isn't my first choice of game plans when it comes to finishing this thing, but I know that I will finish, and that no matter what I can choose to be grateful for the opportunity and just enjoy the ride!
And now. I will stop procrastinating, and get some of that homework done! Have a great day everyone!
(Ps. Um, hello again Winter! Power went out for several hours last night, and there is pretty white snow all over the place. I love you, Lehi.)
This week I have been sicker than I have ever been in my life. (Pretty sure. I know I've never had the flu, and I can't remember ever being this sick.) This is not an exaggeration. However, I have also been in a remarkable mood! I am coughing and coughing and coughing. I am woozy and unstable with fever. I am radiating with aches from my very core. I am wearing the same clothes I have been wearing since Wednesday night when I came home from school, put on the comfy pants, and collapsed into my bed. My eyeballs hurt. On Thursday night I had so much gunk stuck in my poor raw throat that I couldn't breathe, and bawled and hacked my way through it until I was a sad sad mess on the kitchen floor and my mother threatened to haul me to urgent care right then. I refused. I did request a priesthood blessing though, and the bishop and my step-dad happily and quickly obliged. I felt instantly calmed, and have such huge amount of gratitude for the men in my life who live worthy to assist in these little miracles. Friday morning we went to the doctor. I listed off my symptoms and our very cheerful and helpful doctor came back from testing my nose swab (Please note: the "swab" they take to test for the flu is actually a rigid bamboo stick with a very small amount of cotton on the end of it that they shove up your nose as far as it possibly can go before giving you brain damage. This is not pleasant, but it is quick.) with this sentiment: "Well, you have influenza. I apologize if this is morbid of me to say but I'm so excited I got a real bona fide Influenza A reading with all the symptoms!" She informed me that I had luckily come in within the first 48 hour window and would therefore be able to benefit from the five day flu prescription drug and that I should stay home and away from other people until I finished that prescription. And if I even looked at anyone else they would burst into flames and die. Okay she didn't say that last part, but I basically understood that if I breathed the wrong way anyone around me would end up in my state and that's the last thing I wanted to have happen.
Needless to say, all my weekend plans were cancelled. Grudgingly. (Even the night before I was hoping that my sobbing mess was the worst of it and I'd be allll better by the next afternoon just in time to go with Kase to spend the weekend with his family, hanging out and cooking and watching the Super Bowl (commercials:). In stead, I sent him off alone and resigned myself to look on the bright side anyway. And do you know what? It's working. I have been making Influenza jokes all weekend! (I noticed that the doctor who diagnosed me never called it the flu, always influenza. I feel like that is a much more dignified name. And it sounds exotic. Which is cool. I am disappointed that I had to miss out on my weekend in Roy that I was so looking forward to, and even a stranger on the street could probably look at me and see just how much I like plans that fall through at the last minute. Who knows, maybe it's the fever, but I have been surprisingly okay with this. I know full well it's a sign from my body to take a minute and slow down. Take a deep breath. Rearrange my priorities. Toss a few things out the window. And be grateful for what I have! Because I am SO blessed.
This afternoon I am feeling much better. I am sitting here at my makeshift folding work table, since my pretty little desk is just big enough to be a shelf for all my art supplies and such. Dreading another hundred point drawing assignment, and plotting to call out of class tomorrow anyway.. Watching "Julie & Julia" on repeat as I contemplate making the bed, making some more art (My way. Suck it Drawing&Perspective.) or making some lunch. Missing Kira like crazy. Wanting to cook! Wanting to be creative. Wanting to paint something. That's what I really want to do. Not feeling at all like I'm going to just drown in my to-do list and probably die a slow, slow death by charcoal pencils. Honestly, this has felt like more of a vacation than five days of the flu. I haven't done anything! I've slept in late, watched a few tv shows, napped for hours, eaten a ridiculous amount of cough drops, probably not the best for my tummy, but oh so nice for my throat. I'm sick, yeah. And I probably won't be feeling 100% for another couple of days, but I'm actually still feeling very happy. Feeling very blessed. And feeling like next year there will be a flu shot in my life. :)
I hope everyone enjoys the football game today!! I'll be watching happily from my living room and probably laughing my husky influenza laugh at the commercials. Man, I love Super Bowl commercials. (Influenza... Haha:)
Dear snow,
I understand peoples qualms with you and how they tire of the cold and the dreariness. But I still love you, dangit!
Dear new boyfriend,
You are a recent addition to my life. But you make me quite happy and have a lot of good answers to my questions. We make a good team.
Dear art school,
We were made for each other.
Dear Jessica's clothes,
You are so nice to borrow when I'm sick of wearing mine. Thank you for fitting me sometimes:)
Dear apartments by the river,
You are colder than everywhere else in this place! Please stop freezing my car door locks so that I cannot leave in the night.
Dear Elizabethtown soundtrack,
What a sweet birthday surprise you were! I don't think there will ever be a road trip without you from here on out.
Dear little sister and man,
You guys are a revelation. I've never met anyone better at being in love than you. What a delight to witness.
Dear Anthropologie,
Let's have an affair. A love affair. I love you. I am in love with you. Love. Is had. From me. Oh gosh, the love and the joy. In my heart. Pitter patter..
Dear bedroom,
Whatever happened to our agreement for you to stay clean and organized? I am going to be quite busy from here on out, so perhaps you should do some self-preservation and get your act together.
Dear strange, strange dream I had about the little brother and illegal drugs and laughing,
WHAT in the WORLD...
Dear Sister Berry,
You are truly an inspiration. I love you dearly and cannot adequately express how much I respect and admire you. What an example you are, and such a great friend.
Dear singles branch,
I pretty much feel like it was the best decision ever to switch my records over this time around. I have had THE BEST Sundays these past few weeks in many, many, many Sundays. Feeling very blessed to be a part of you. Feel home.
Dear Streupers,
You guys are hysterical. LOVE hanging out with you. Perk.
Dear Christmas socks,
You are my favorite socks of all the socks. Keep up the good work.
I am AFRAID that since I am already such a fiercely independent person and so used to only having to take care of myself that if I grow up too much more on my own it will be increasingly difficult to adjust to being married and always having another person to think about with every activity and decision. Someone else to report to and be accountable to than just myself. I know people who are like that. They are so comfortable with only taking care of themselves that they just don't really do relationships. Conversely, I also know people who made themselves ready and committed themselves early on in relationships and who simply grew together knowing that they just always factored that other person in. I am not ready to get married. I am not getting married. But sometimes I think about these things... Unrealistic, perhaps. Ridiculous, perhaps. But hey, that's me.
I don't talk about boys on this blog. There's a very good reason for that. I am twenty-one years old. I'm dating. I'm meeting new people. I'm changing my mind. I'm falling in and out of love. And that is allowed. I live a very unapologetic life. It's wonderful and freeing. However, I also know that because I feel so deeply, I tend to get carried away. I don't want this blog to be a place where intimate, but ultimately short-lived feelings and thoughts come to die. There are things I believe in and other feeling that I want to be able to remember for years and years to come, and then there are feelings and things that I will gladly forget about if/when I break up, move on, and start feeling and thinking about someone else. That said, I have mentioned a particular someone in recent posts. I will do this again. And I feel the need to clarify (I am a qualifier. The queen of disclaimers. I accept this.) that this does not necessarily mean I won't ultimately have a change of heart. I am not secure in the knowledge that this person will remain in my life. But he is here now. And I accept full responsibility for the effects of my public and recorded (however vague and brief) accounts of him.
:)
Today my heart aches for my sister. Kira lives in Phoenix, and while I was there in Arizona working last semester I made the fifty plus mile drive up to their house on many occasions. I feel like that semester we grew closer as people than we have our whole lives. It's almost unreal how deeply I love and respect and admire her. Kira is the oldest sister. She has always been the "example" at least to me, and I oftentimes felt like that meant she was showing me what not to do with my life, simply because she did it differently. There were times when I honestly did not understand her. There were times we didn't really ever talk. But now? Oh, we talk. And it physically pains me (okay, maybe that's just the lady cramps today) to not be able to now just drive up to Phoenix to spend the day talking [I almost wrote chatting, but we don't really chat, we have actual meaningful deep conversations. It's beautiful.] and creating and cooking! Oh to cook with Kira! Anyone who knows Kira, really knows her, can see how much she enjoys cooking. She combines the oddest things into the most delicious meals you've ever eaten. I never knew how much I could enjoy cooking until I did it with Kira. It's like a narcotic. That sounds extreme, but seriously. Even if I am having the worst of worst days all I have to do is whip up some off-the-wall crazy delicious vegetable riddled meal that she comes up with on the spot and it's like my load is instantly lifted. That's something I really admire about Kira too. The woman knows how to use vegetables. I swear, it's like some freaky gift she traded her soul to the devil for. Who even knows how to cook vegetables in a million different ways and use them in every meal in such a way that they often rival the meat or pasta or whatever else would normally be categorized as the main dish? Kira inspires me. She makes me want to be the kind of person, and eventually the kind of wife, who will do this. Will actually cook for her family, good filling healthy meals. And not only that but she has such a fervor for life! There is nothing she decides to do that isn't accomplished in the most efficient and organized way. And with excitement too! I have no doubt that she could take over the whole world if she really wanted to. I'm just in awe of her abilities. I could go on and on. But today I'm just missing missing missing her dreadfully!! We probably email each other a hundred times a week, different pictures and ideas that we've found and little interesting things that happen to us. Many, but small emails. But it's hard to email a real in depth conversation like the ones you can have face to face. I met someone when I came home. We've been dating for several weeks now. And it's new. And it's exciting. And I'm very happy so far. But for some weird reason it almost doesn't feel real because I haven't been able to tell every single little inclination and feeling to Kira and have her validate me and tell me what she thinks about all of it. I almost don't want to fully open myself up to this person because Kira hasn't met him yet. That's not really the whole truth of it but it's like I need her approval before I can say, yes, this is my boyfriend. Dumb! How dumb is that? I do really like him. And no one else's opinion is going to change that. I don't ask for permission. I am an independent person and I act for myself, fully. But there's just something that completes any given situation for me when I have Kira's input. She's like... My philosopher. My mentor. My advisor. I fantasize us living near enough to each other when we start our families to be able to get together a couple of times a week and cook for everyone. Throw little themed parties and just to have our children grow up together. I'm almost afraid to do it without her. It looks like I won't really have this opportunity, at least not for an extended period of time, and that makes me really sad. But I guess what I can remember about all this is just how incredibly lucky and blessed I am to have a sister who inspires and teaches me so much about myself and about the world around me. Kira, I love you. I love you so, so much. Today, I miss you. And I always miss you. But I love you. Thank you for being my sister. <3
Delish toasty herby salmon
Roasted brussels sprouts (All you non-believers are missing out on brussels sprouts I tell you)
Sweet potato fries
Dutch apple pie (Okay, apple crisp)
Delighted to be cooking this yummy birthday dinner!! Today I am a happy girl:)
School starts tomorrow. I went to orientation on Thursday and had a nice little run down and tour of everything and got to meet some of my teachers. I have to say, I am getting exponentially more excited about this as the days pass. It is clearer and clearer that this is the very thing I need to be doing right now in my life, and that makes me feel so great. I know that this is what I want to do. I know I'm going to love it. And I know what I want to do with it for the rest of my life too. (Obviously in flexible general terms, but still.) I'm just really feeling it. This is right. Isn't it so awesome to feel that way about something? I never felt this way about hair school. I was excited about hair school, but in a way I was still going in blind. I thought I wanted to do it so I psyched myself up to taking that chance because I knew if I didn't start taking chances to find the things I loved I would never get there. But this time I don't feel like it's a risk at all. It's a lot of money. Holy crap is it a lot of money. And if there's one thing in this world that I struggle with wrapping my head around, it's money. Just ask my mother. I'm damaged when it comes to my ability to think positively about money. But for this, especially in this case where I will be spending loads and loads of it and pinching pennies all throughout just to get by, I'm surprisingly at peace. I'm confident that it will be totally worth the investment. I don't know if that's ever happened for me before. Just so happy with this decision. :) On the flip side, I totally know that it's not going to be easy. I'm going to be working my butt off basically non stop. But honestly, I'd rather be busy out of my mind than sitting around feeling like I'm not making anything of myself. I've always needed to do something notable. If not for anyone else, just for my own peace of mind. So bring it on art school. Ready or not, here I come.
In other news, I started dating this guy... And he's pretty great. And it's kind of nice... :) Feeling good Danielle! Keep breathing!
